Article posted Thursday, June 6, 2013 4:24pm

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): The position of Saturn indicates a continuing effect of the good fortune you are experiencing. Your root canal will be rescheduled and the tax audit will not conflict with your lobotomy.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): You will soon meet a mysterious stranger who holds your future in his grasp. Be sure to advise your parole officer if you intend to leave the state with this handsome smooth talker.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Vibrations that you are detecting in the steering wheel of your auto may be indirect signals from your guiding star that have been deflected by sinister forces. Report any unusual signals to the authorities.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Adopt a new attitude to go with your recently reprogrammed iPhone. Past indiscretions should have no bearing on the future and those red spots on your arms will clash with most polka dots so get a new ensemble for the class reunion.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): This celestial cycle resolve to gaze at the constellations with a clear head and a steady eye. You are missing the messages beamed to you and it can’t be blamed on the clouds considering your recent antics.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Take evasive measures immediately. Your astrological signals reveal danger at all the bars where you hang out and be advised that your trusted advisor has been indicted, thus your future is in risk territory.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Will global positioning devises find your car in time for you to keep your appointment with the palm reader who has flown in just to advise you? Answers may be found on the bulletin board at the bus station in Prescott, Arizona.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): You were within one digit of winning the lottery in Madrid, Spain, but evil spirits still lurk in your future and a slick talker in a stolen raincoat will keep appearing to tempt you to buy more tickets to this bogus scheme.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): The relatives you thought were penniless turned out to be loaded and left you a half interest in the Bates Motel plus sixteen tons of concrete blocks on a loading dock in Muncie, Indiana.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Remain vigilant, look skyward and the moment that Saturn and Jupiter change orbits, call your bookie and bet on the Chicago Bears to actually win two games in succession and then vote to move the franchise to Superior, Wisconsin.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): You will soon begin a journey that others only dream about. Take a two-month supply of peanut butter sandwiches and pack your deep-water waders in the event of rising levels of Lake Michigan or Clark Lake.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): While everyone is preoccupied with celestial formations not shown on any chart, take your entire wardrobe to the Egg Harbor landfill and throw it into the dumpster marked toxic waste only.