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Article posted Thursday, June 13, 2013 6:04pm

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Great balls of fire are about to descend on your evil political foes so heed the advice of the latest astrological bulletin beamed to you. Admit nothing, forget everything and take the Fifth if necessary.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Do not go out of the house today until sunset and be aware of mudslides. Your dry cleaning will be ready tomorrow and a large sum of money could be discovered by this weekend in your neighborhood. If someone wants to borrow a shovel, follow that person.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): You will encounter a four-door 1994 Buick in your front yard tomorrow morning two hours prior to your normal wake-up call. To get this junker off your lawn, call the sons of the Pioneers Regional Brass Band who have a concert scheduled for your backyard.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Star formations and a leak under your sink are signs that your neighbors are growing tired of your tuba practice at 6 am. Call your dentist soon to discuss using vodka to heighten the experience of your next root canal.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Inner strength that you lack will be returned to you in the next celestial cycle. Take advantage of this gift from the stars by cleaning your kitchen at shorter intervals such as twice yearly. Also, answer last year’s emails.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Galaxy 61 Valmy South is exhibiting signs directed at you exclusively. Condensed to one signal this message says ‘repent,’ ‘repent,’ ‘repent.’ Heed this directive and start by bringing in those garbage cans you left out since last November.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): You will receive a message tacked to the bulletin board at the Carlsville Bus Station. Find it pinned under the evacuation order for all of Door County dated 2009. This message will reveal a secret location where you could bury your current wardrobe without detection.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Cosmic calamities have prevented your horoscope from reaching the reception station in Sevastopol. Refer to last month’s message to you, which you previously ignored, since it called for you to improve in every category known to man. Start by walking the dog regularly instead of semi-annually.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): This period, contain your excitement about the upcoming IRS Audit lest others grow envious over your ill-deserved good fortune. Purple and black will be your best colors at the July 4th season arrives.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): A large meteorite will hit your garage sometime soon. Stop trying to sell that clunker of a car that won’t start and nobody would buy. Push it back into the garage, pay your insurance premium and wait for a better solution to both your financial and transportation problems.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Good news will reach you soon. Look skyward each evening for signs. This may require you to periodically climb off your bar stool and go outside unless you can find a tavern with a large skylight or hole in the roof. Ask others to join you in the search for signals.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your star is bright. Here now is the horoscopic news you were alerted to in previous message number 6413A. Nelson Hardware is holding 127 gallons of fire engine red semi-gloss indoor paint for you together with a free booklet on interior design.