Article posted Tuesday, June 25, 2013 2:44pm

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): A critical time approaches as you observe Saturn reaching the equinox. Stay focused on the important matters and check what remains of your liquor supply now that your mother-in-law has finally moved out.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Until your collection of Bing Crosby records has been located, stay tuned to MSNBC for the latest excuses on why the current administration has not answered your request for more money. Call your plumber during National Water Week.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You have been selected to join the French Foreign Legion. This honor coincides with the actions against you in Door County Circuit Court. Discard those flannel flak pants and be timely in your scheduled appearance.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): With all applicants except you disqualified, note that the waxing moon indicated you alone are left to claim the throne of Miss Northport Pier. Your shape best resembles this pier so step up to claim the award.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): The position of constellation U-Valmy Metalruf indicates that good fortune will come your way. Read the message boards at the Amtrak Station for guidance and help with your wardrobe. Dump that suitor who insists on taking his dog when you ride in his unwashed pick-up truck to the stock car races.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Be advised to go no further than Carlsville as you follow your assigned star. Until your horoscopic signals can be ascertained to be accurate, wear combat boots and carry twelve days provisions to all destinations except Forestville where friends will greet you.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): All sixteen planets are aligned to lend strength to your claim that the Ephraim wetlands are your property. Stay in close touch with your attorney in this matter until his indictment date and keep the porch light burning.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): In this solar flare moment, apply all your skills to retrieve sunken treasure from the Gills Rock Convention Center Harbor. Get rid of all that accumulated junk in the back seat of your Buick to make room for this rich cache. Watch out for pickpockets.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): More good news is just beyond the next meeting of Mars and Ursa Minor. The concrete truck that hit your house will be removed from the front yard as soon as investigators determine if your house was in the wrong place and at fault.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Those annoying late night calls from Donald Trump will soon cease and you can assist in this matter by withdrawing your application to be Oprah’s replacement. Buy gold and silver this week. Turn in your gas ration coupons and Norwegian kroner.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): The summer solstice will usher in a new round of benefits directed to you. Step up and accept pizza coupons worth $1.72, which can be picked up at the Juneau, Alaska, Amtrack Station. Used snow tires are available for you at Death Valley, California.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Search your front porch for clues. All stellar signals suggest that 300 pounds of fruitcake are on your premises and should be discovered by late November. Your good fortune will also include a supply of bratwurst made in Hong Kong in 1995.