Article posted Tuesday, July 2, 2013 2:59pm

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): A celestial signal will soon reach you. Note that it is an evacuation order similar to the one that all Door County received in 2011 but different in that it is an evacuation order directed solely to you and signed by the neighbors on all sides of your premises.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Good fortune is almost within your grasp. Planet alignments forecast a favorable outcome to your singing career. Start by stopping and bask in the admiration of all those within 100 yards of that screeching who now will support your toe-tapping to Lawrence Welk tunes. Wash your winter clothes tomorrow.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Next phase of constellation Obamanna HR-I will cause most of the birds nesting in your garage to leave. Take this sign as progress in your life and a suitable time for you to give back the garden tools you borrowed in 2011. Big Brother is watching.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Nervousness which has caused you considerable consternation will end this celestial cycle as shock waves create a new set of circumstances. Consider a change of lifestyle and set fire to your entire wardrobe except the Nehru jacket and matching combat boots.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): A favorable development is forecast by a combination of your lawyer’s arrest and the clear sky over Jacksonport. You will move up 275 places on the Extreme Makeover wait list and the sheriff has decided not to impound your car as a safety hazard.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): You will be contacted by many friends and neighbors who will thank you for moving the rehearsals of your tuba and base drum operetta from your kitchen to a Quonset hut located south of Brussels.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Interstellar gases will enter your personal atmosphere bringing relief from your many burdens. A tall, dark stranger will remove the 200 used tires that were left in your kitchen by aliens, and friends will find and deliver the concrete blocks you inherited.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Your palm reader will soon be paroled enabling you to get messages that had to be re-routed to Dykesville via Forestville. Seize this opportunity but continue voice lessons and send tapes of your yodeling to Queen Elizabeth or a reasonable facsimile.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Sightings of Elvis in your garage will become the basis of your memoirs soon to be published by the Peninsula Pulse in cooperation with the Chicago Tribune. There will be an initial printing of five copies with more later if your family will buy them.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): You should add ketchup to your radish and beet soufflé to improve your chances of winning the Baileys Harbor bake-off. Disregard well-wishers who advice you to put whiskey in the recipe. Save that to bribe the judges.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): The stars tell us that a barge will arrive at the Fish Creek International Pier. This barge will contain secret information and a map of buried treasure plus a six-year supply of prune juice produced by the Carlsville Distillery.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Your good fortune continues. You, and ten of your closest friends, will get a complete makeover courtesy of Dawn at Edge Salon each June 31 for the rest of your lives. Just pay shipping and handling of $675 in one easy installment.