Article posted Thursday, July 25, 2013 9:10pm

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Keep a large supply of Pepto-Bismol to ward off evil invaders from space who will attempt to steal your bowling trophies. Guard against this attack with a spray bottle of that fragrance you bought at the re-sale shop in the half-gallon container.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You soufflé will be judged third place in the Baileys Harbor Bake-off. Next year, you will win first prize by adjusting the ratio of lard to 70 percent and removing the bratwurst filling. Call Your Plumber Month begins tomorrow.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): An international swindler will attempt to get your attention at the church bingo bonanza. Resist his charms and continue the path of goodness that never lasts more than two days. Go to the seashore for a renewed sense of misdirection.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): More good news for you. Your lawyer will call with a report of reduced charges. You may get off with two years instead of three plus his own indictment will be postponed allowing him to continue billing you.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): A star discovery in April indicates that the cornerstone of your happiness and prosperity will be Roxy Jennifer I in the constellation Bailey. This superior burst of energy is a supernova of delight and cosmic excitement shining beyond the road of West Jacksonport.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): In the collision of Mercury and Orion, take solace that you survived. Considering the way you drive, believe in miracles as well! If you can somehow manage to total your Buick but get out with a scratch, this will be a horoscopic event to benefit all.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Star formations this period will lead you to riches beyond comprehension and will spare you the despair of dropping another twenty in the lottery racket. Go at once to the nearest horse track and put the lunch money on the jockey in flamingo pink.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Be prepared this celestial season. Do not use Highway 42 between Egg Harbor and Fish Creek as a volcano will erupt in that area and bury the road in ash and rocks from deep inside the Earth or from Institute. Take your hip waders at all times.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): A long forgotten distant relative died three years ago just after naming you in his last will. In six solar periods you will receive his entire collection of hubcaps stolen over 20 years in the Chicago area, some with authentic bullet holes.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Reception of your horoscope for this period has been delayed by Act of Congress which suspects that you are receiving subversive messages from Vladimir Putin or possibly Johnny Carson. The edited version will be sent to you by Barnes & Noble in secret code.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Good news to follow soon. The property you bought with a water view will soon be blocked by a new ExxonMobil oil refinery and your access road will be closed to allow for aerial target practice by the Bolivian Air Force. Exxon will give you 10 cents off on your first fill-up at the new gas station next door.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): The suspicious person who has been following you for the past week, without you knowing it, is an agent of the IRS who has nothing to do and you can rest easy. It is your plaid polyester pants he is interested in, for inclusion at The Smithsonian Institution.