Article posted Wednesday, August 7, 2013 1:47pm

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Your horoscope for this period indicates that a rare sighting of Elvis at the Ephraim wetlands proves that he is not living in your basement 24 hours a day. This development is a signal for you to leave your mackinaw in the closet for the next wedding reception. Wear something to match your hip waders.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): The heavens sparkle for you. Edward Snowden has been granted asylum in your living room and will arrive in ten days with his spy notes and a romantic letter from Hilary Clinton. You should put in a new sidewalk to show your appreciation and remove the “Beware of Dog” sign in your yard.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): You will be awarded the parking meter franchise for both east and west Gills Rock. All revenue over twelve million dollars must be shared with the Lawrence Welk Orchestra which received no payments for marching in the Gills Rock Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): A meteor will crash on your front porch in 2015. Seize this announcement as an opportunity to unload your house on the first tourist from Illinois who will offer more than $9,000 for the property. Chances to sell will improve if you do not mention the leaking oil tank under your garage.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Your knowledge of astronomy will prove valuable when the Fish Creek Council of Trustees meets to rename all the streets in town using the current world ‘maple.’ Cash awards will be offered in addition to a ticket to venues for words involving all 46 planets.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): A secret message for you posted at the toll booth of the Ephraim to Fish Creek toll road will reveal all four numbers that you need to win the national lottery. Buy 50 tickets as each one will produce a jackpot, making you the richest person in Bolivia where the checks can be cashed.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): The Rolling Stones will be performing on Washington Island as a benefit to help you exchange your property there for a tax haven near Dykesville, Wisconsin. Provide free rowboat transportation to the island to the first 100 persons who show up at the dock waving fistfuls of greenbacks.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Excitement is coming to your life. Your application has been accepted at Harvard for the class of 2091 and the garage will call to advise they have been able to get your car started twice since your brought it in last year. More good news will follow.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): An inheritance is spelled out in the stars naming you as chief beneficiary to the will of Edgar Vladimir Putin. Expect to see items deposited in your driveway including a 1910 Wells Fargo wagon and the anchor from the steamship Queen Elizabeth, which recently sank in Ellison Bay.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You will soon receive an important message from the Town of Liberty Grove. Your wardrobe has been found on Country Road RR and you should remove it as soon as possible as it has been frightening area livestock and causing drivers to take evasive and dangerous actions.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): A cosmic circumstance will be the cause of your renewed inner strength. Take vitamin pills daily to aid this strength in giving you energy, vitality and the conviction to get off the mattress for thirty minutes once a week.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Donald Trump will call with news that your joint venture is a go. As soon as the Ephraim-Gibraltar Airport runway is extended an additional 8,000 feet, Trump Airlines will begin hourly service to Gary, Indiana, using Airbus 330 aircraft and you will get all gate fees.