Leo (July 23 – August 22): This moment in celestial time, meditate on your past and prepare for the future with a complete overhaul of your lifestyle. This calls for a reduction in alcohol consumption and a trip to the dentist you haven’t seen since 1997.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Watch for the flash in the western sky signaling that your application to Harvard Law School has been approved for the freshman class of 2093 and a deposit of $48,000 is due in ten days. No out of state checks will be accepted.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): The strength to ward off all evil is about to be beamed to you from the Galaxy UB-I. Take up a position on the Egg Harbor Municipal Dock and prepare to receive rays that can be absorbed through any clothing except those polyester outfits that you wear.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): A grand conspiracy will be exposed during this cycle of uncertainty and you will be a major suspect in this scenario. Consult your tea leaves and determine if the man behind the curtain can be trusted to get you out of this mess.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): A man in a damp raincoat will approach you within the next two weeks. This person has news of the inheritance you thought was lost when the Titanic sank in Eagle Harbor last year. Have a sturdy cardboard box handy in case the raincoat guy has something to hand over.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): This is an exceptional month for stargazing. Give the boot to that psychic who has overcharged you for three years and allow the heavens to solve your woes. In particular, look up for a solution to those costumes you wear on weekends, some of which continue to frighten small children.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): In this galactic period, remember to alert the Door County Emergence Response Squad when you fire up your stove and attempt to make something edible. The fire department should also be on alert. Remember, it is illegal and dangerous to transport anything you cooked over the Sturgeon Bay Steel Bridge.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): A clash between Libra and Aries will cause your Buick to crash next month, even sooner if you start driving when your revocation ends. Take the DC Trolley which offers delivery and pick-up at most of the bars your frequent.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): The stars say it. You are certain to win the Hermann Goering look-a-like contest. Unless your check bounces again, you are also the likely winner of the Ponce De Leon Swimsuit Competition and will receive 412 matching concrete blocks. Share these with good friends.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Venus, Saturn and Valmy are about to meet above the parking lot of the Fish Creek Convention Center. You should be in that lot by sunset to receive a message in code that will reveal the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa who has your winning lottery ticket.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Your horoscope has been diverted by sinister forces and will not appear in this issue of the Pulse. It can be read in an alternate newspaper located in Chicago and also will be printed in braille in the Dykesville Destroyer which is published semi-annual in odd-numbered years.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): You will be free of sleepless nights when a meteor strikes your neighbor’s garage ending the threat of their church-strength booyah exploding during late-hour production schedules. This will be a good time to ask for the return of your pressure cooker if it survived the impact.