Article posted Wednesday, August 21, 2013 5:10pm

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): In this celestial season, be aware that you are in a vulnerable state and could be swayed by fast talkers in newly dry-cleaned trench coats. Opportunities that could be presented include a lucrative rocket launch pad that you could operate when the oil refinery is closed.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Do not be discouraged that your attempt to get on the Extreme Makeover program has been set back. Show sponsors indicate that as soon as they have the capability to do something to solve your situation, you will be notified by a collect phone call.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): A vast conspiracy has been created by evil people from Illinois who are determined to capture the fortune you are about to inherit. Alter the route you drive to work, hang out at a different bar and do something about that outfit you wear everyday.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Your palmist, the head waiter at Coyote Roadhouse and the man behind the curtain all predict that your good fortune will continue. This includes a warning citation instead of the customary inattentive driving ticket and getting gravy stains on the napkin for a change.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): The bright flashes seen from your front porch are explained by your trusted advisor as either solar flares or explosions from the neighbor’s garage where the church picnic booyah is being prepared. Get off the porch until the picnic is over.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Door County’s Board of Review, Assessment and Zoning Violations has determined that you are guilty of fourteen of the infractions lodged against you and are suspect on nine more. That you are exonerated on the remaining eight is a testament to your good standing in the community.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): A spectacular future is in your forecast. Contaminated soil will be removed from your yard and the leaking oil tank will be dug up once your house is demolished. You have been given six extra weeks to find the methane gas source and it’s Double Bubble time tomorrow.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Due to your creativity, Dawn’s special event for free shampoo and a style at The Edge on June 31st was a huge success. She is asking you for ideas on another complimentary extravaganza for November 31st, so put on your thinking cap.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): The Gills Rock Gospel Singers in conjunction with the Chambers Island Symphonic Ensemble will present you with a concert in your front yard in honor of your composition in four movements for harpsichord and bass drum. A ninety-pound hunk of limestone will be yours to treasure.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): You will encounter a tall, dark stranger at the Ellison Bay Bingo Hall who will offer to handle your investment portfolio. Consider his proposal against the odds of winning the Wisconsin Lottery or the chance that someone would pay more than five hundred bucks for that clunker you drive.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Strong winds from the direction of Sturgeon Bay will hasten that good news for your combination odds marker masseuse and butcher. This news will shower you with the confidence to open a new horse race track to serve southern Door County.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Watch the stars. On the day that Saturn crashes into the Door County fairgrounds, go to the bank and withdraw your savings. You will then place all sixty-six dollars on lottery tickets issued by the gas station where you first met your current squeeze.