Article posted Wednesday, September 11, 2013 2:25pm

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You will have additional excitement this lunar period. News form Ankara, Turkey, indicates that the Constantinople Casket Company is naming a new coffin after you and your lawyer will advise that the case against you will allow for lower bail.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Pale green is the color you should wear to the court hearing and Day-Glo orange is best for you when you walk from the bar to your car. Consult a tarot card to choose the ensemble for all other occasions. The radish crop will be more successful and your watermelon patch will have six big ones.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): The petition you initiated to have more John Wayne movies at the movie theater now has four signatures. Take this as a sign that you will be a strong force in the cultural development of Door County and that you will soon be awarded a free pass to the outdoor theater from December to February.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): As Saturn grows closer to Gills Rock, be aware of strong tides in Eagle Harbor and erratic behavior from the dog. You can prepare for the upcoming ill winds by moving to a bar stool further from the door and placing your assets in a revocable trust.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Norman Rockwell will arrive in Fish Creek to paint your portrait. A hot water shower with soap is recommended and you could lay off the garlic for a week or more. Consult the tealeaf reader who has the Mustang convertible parked illegally at the Egg Harbor Town Hall.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): In this celestial cycle, take evasive action until three moons have past. You will have to walk your mutt at a different time of day and change your monthly visit to the parole office. If a man from finance company calls, tell him that you are moving to Utah.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Past indiscretions cannot prevent your new outlook and your career but will influence your wardrobe which can still stop most clocks. That tent fabric should be changed for something that won’t set off alarms. Try a color that matches your car.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Try whistling as the cosmos continues to produce spectacular situations such as Lael. Take advantage of opportunities which may wane like the moon if you hesitate. Don’t let it be your swan song.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): The stars agree. You should participate in the Normandy invasion. Pack your usual lunch goodies and show up on the beach at 5 am. Send a trusted friend to pick up your horoscopes and any letters from your lawyer who has escaped to Brazil.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Your application to yodel in the Sturgeon Bay Music and Talent Show has been accepted as long as you perform in Brussels. Throat spray will be allowed at the event as long as it will not explode.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Accept your fate. You will not win the lottery no matter how many tickets you buy. Your best chance to win any contest is to invent it yourself, write all the rules and supply all the prizes.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): The strange man who rented your garage is gone and so is your lawn mower. This may fit in your plans to go natural but the constellations point to disaster if you continue to carry this theme into your clothes closet.