Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): With the Milky Way in retrograde, one can only assume dairy prices will rise dramatically. Plan accordingly and stockpile cheese.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Your skill set is set to quadruple tomorrow when you stun the world by chewing gum, walking, humming and blinking all at the same time.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Saturday will be a regretful day for you as you wonder, silently, just why you agreed to be the rear end of the donkey.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Too much of a good thing can be bad, but is likely better than even a little bit of a bad thing. Remember this next time you are choosing between a nice mug of beer and a hornet sting.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You were only 3 percent wrong in yesterday’s argument, but next time talk louder and you will close the gap.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Your lucky state of mind this week is befuddled. Enjoy your dimwittedness to its fullest and feel no need to gather wisdom of any sort.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A close-knit group will soon exclude you in the cruelest of ways. But do not feel too bad – at least you won’t be in a cult anymore.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): This year dress up as your own evil twin for Halloween. This shouldn’t require much effort, for reasons only you can fully appreciate.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Sense more make will they and backwards things read.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): This month is a ripe time to ensure that big promotion through the use of barnyard animal noises and skimpy clothing.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Energy drinks and vitamin supplements will do wonders for your overall health, though the triumph of your sense of humor (of the slapstick variety) will require nothing short of a miracle.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Your fear of paparazzi will reach new heights despite the fact they aren’t even remotely interested in you.