A Dialogue: Is Anybody There?

[Telephone: Dial Tone]

Caller dials: 555-4537

[Telephone: Ring. Ring. Ring. Be-bo-beep-tepeep.]

Recorded Voice: We’re sorry. Your call cannot be completed as dialed. You must first dial a zero or one before the area code when calling this number.

Caller: (Presses the cradle.) O. K. (Redials.) 1-920-555-4537.

[Ring. Ring. Ring. Be-bo-beep-tepeep.]

Recorded Voice: We’re sorry. Your call cannot be completed as dialed. It is not necessary to dial a zero or one before the area code when calling this number.

Caller: Really? (Takes a breath.) Ooh Kaay. (Dials.) 555-4537.

[Ring. Ring. Ring. Be-bo-beep-tepeep.]

Recorded Voice: We’re sorry. Your call cannot be completed as dialed. You must first dial a zero or one before the area code when calling this number.

Caller: Hmmn. I already did that. Well…(Dialing.) 1-920-555-4537.

[Ring. Ring. Ring. Be-bo-beep-tepeep.]

Recorded Voice: We’re sorry. Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the area code and the number and try again.

Caller: (Hangs up) I’m going to call the phone company. (Dials) 1-800-545-1212.

[Ring. Ring. Ring.]

Recorded Voice: Thank you for calling Veritable Telephone Company. Please listen carefully to the following options. If you have questions about your billing, press one. If you have technical problems on the line, press two. If…

Caller: I am going to press one. (Does so.)

[Ring. Ring. Ring.]

Recorded Voice: If you are calling about your bill…

Caller: No. Please hear me out. I’m having trouble dialing a number in my area code.

Recorded Voice: We’re sorry. We do not recognize that answer. Please try again.

Caller: (Presses one).

Recorded Voice: If you are calling about your bill…

Caller: (Deliberately) No. I’m having trouble dialing. Why can’t I talk to a person?

Recorded Voice: We’re sorry. We do not recognize that answer. Please try again.

Caller: (Presses one). I WANT TO TALK TO A PERSON!

Recorded Voice: We’re sorry. We do not recognize that answer. Please stay on the line and someone will assist you shortly.

[Musak plays]

Recorded Voice: We’re sorry. All of our operators are busy with other customers. We thank you for your patience. Please stay on the line. An operator will be with you shortly.

[More Musak.]

Caller: (Humming to cover the Musak.) 500 bottles of beer on the wall, 500 bottles of beer…

Telephone Operator #1: How may I assist you?

Caller: Oh! You’re a person! Sorry. Ah, I am having trouble reaching a number in my area code.

Telephone Operator #1: Are you sure the number is in service at this time?

Caller: Yes. Absolutely.

Telephone Operator # 1: Oh. Well, I’m sorry but I cannot help you with that. I’ll transfer you to someone who can.

Caller: Yes. Please…

[Once again, Musak.]

Recorded Voice: We’re sorry. All our operators are busy with other customers. Please stay on the line. An operator will be available shortly.

[More Musak]

Caller: (Deep breath.) If one of those bottles should happen to fall…

Telephone Operator #2: Hello. How may I help you?

Caller: I don’t know. I have been trying to dial a number in my area. I’ve tried it twice with the one before the area code and twice without the one and the area code. I’ve just been following directions, mind you but I get an intercept both ways telling me that the number cannot be completed as dialed.

Telephone Operator #2: Are you sure your dialing the correct number?

Caller: Yes. Absolutely. I know the number very well.

Telephone Operator #2: Would you like me to try it for you?

Caller: Yes. Oh yes! Please. The number is…do you want the whole number…I mean the one, the area code and all?

Telephone Operator #2: Just the seven digits will do.

Caller: Oh good. Fine. The number is 555-4537.

Telephone Operator #2: Thank you. I’ll be right back.

[Once again Musak]

Caller: Waiting…waiting…waiting…where was I? (Singing over the inane Musak.) Oh yes…4 hundred and 99 bottles of beer…

Telephone Operator #2: That number is in service at this time. Please try again later. And you don’t need the one plus the area code from where you are to make this call.

Caller: (Hesitating) Well, thank you for calling.

Telephone Operator #2: You’re welcome. Have a nice day. (Click.)

Caller: Why did she say that? She’ knows the kind of day I’m having!

(Dialing a few minutes later.) 555-4537.

[Ring. Ring. Ring. Be-bo-beep-tepeep.]

Recorded Voice: We’re sorry. Your call cannot be completed as dialed. You must first dial a zero or one before the area code.

Caller: UUUHHHH. NO! GOOD GRIEF. OH KAAAY. Back to the source! (Dials) 1-800-555-1212.

[Ring. Ring. Ring.]

Recorded Voice: Thank you for calling Veritable Telephone Company. Please listen carefully to the following options. If you have questions about your billing, press one. If you have problems on the line, press two. If you . . .

Caller: (Presses Two.)

Recorded Voice: Welcome to Veritable Telephone Company. Please describe the problem you are having.

Caller: (Deliberately) I NEED TO TALK TO A PERSON!

Recorded Voice: We’re sorry. We do not recognize that answer. Please stay on the line and someone will assist you shortly.

Telephone Operator #3: How may I help you?

Caller: I’ve tried to call a local number multiple times…at least I think it’s a local number…

Telephone Operator #3: And what is that number?

Caller: 1-920-555-4537. But it will not go through with or without the area code. Could you try it for me…but please do not abandon me!

Telephone Operator #3: Not to worry, dear. Stay right where you are.

[A Barry Manilow song – orchestral version.]

Caller: (Singing to cover the Musak.) “A might fortress is our…”

Telephone Operator #3: Well, Dear, that number worked from here but their answering machine clicked in.

Caller: Oh, could you try again and leave a message for them to call me at this number? It’s really important that I get a hold of them.

Telephone Operator #3: Of course, dear. I’ll get back to you.

[Sappy orchestral version of Rolling Stones song.]

Caller: (Singing softly with the Musak.) “You can’t always get what you wa-ant, but if you try sometimes…”

Telephone Operator #3: Hello again. Dear, I left a message on their machine. But I am going to report trouble on your line as well. You are not the first person to report this problem from your area.

Caller: I am not? You mean I’m not alone?

Telephone Operator #3: Oh, no, dear. Oh my no! I have heard this problem many times before in your area.

Caller: Oh, thank you! I was beginning to go coo-coo.

Telephone Operator #3: (Laughing) No, no, my no. Anything else?

Caller: No, but thanks for being so helpful. Good Bye. And bless you.

Telephone Operator #3: And you take care. ‘Bye then.

Two Days Later.

[Ring. Ring. Ring.]

Caller: Hello?

Repair Man: Hello there, Ma’am. I’m the district technician for the Veritable Telephone Company. I just wanted to let you know that you shouldn’t have any more trouble. We’ve taken care of the problem and you don’t need to dial the area code for phones in your location.

Caller: Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

Repair Man: Quite all right, Ma’am. Just doing our job.

One Week Later.

[Dial Tone]

Caller: (Dials) 555-4537

[Ring. Ring. Ring. Be-bo-beep-tepeep]

Recorded Voice: We’re sorry. Your call cannot be completed as dialed. You must first dial a zero or one before the area code.