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A Goldberg Geography

There was some debate as to whether the concern was greater in Madison or Sturgeon Bay when the news broke that Lambert Luskuski was no longer on the job. Alert readers will remember that it was Luskuski and his think tank group who spearheaded the search for West Jacksonport over the past three years, employing a variety of innovative techniques to solve the dilemma.

Nearly everyone thought the case was “in the bag” when Luskuski brought in a man who was related to Lewis and Clark to find West Jacksonport. After all the name of the place was on the state map and the county map, and although it appeared to be halfway from Sturgeon Bay to Gills Rock, and halfway from Jacksonport to Egg Harbor, that was where the printing company put it. It was not in that spot – that’s just where the letters would fit.

But, the Lewis and Clark relative didn’t get very far. When he went to the hardware store in Baileys Harbor to buy a compass he was lost in the store, and after two days had to be rescued. Since most people can find their way out of the store in less than half of a day, Lambert Luskuski determined the man was not up to the job and drove him to the bus station, pinning a note to his lapel with instructions on how to get home.

Then it was virtually guaranteed that West Jacksonport would be located when the firm that invented the GPS system arrived in Door County. Hopes were dashed a few days later when the experts explained that if the location was not programmed into their machines, they could not find it. But, as Luskuski was driving them to the bus station they did allow that as soon as somebody found the place, they would put the data into the GPS immediately and at no charge to Door County or anybody else.

But Luskuski’s think tank couldn’t miss with their next plan, that of addressing a small package to themselves in West Jacksonport and taking it to the big UPS office in Green Bay for delivery. Luskuski himself gassed up his Buick and waited for the UPS truck to go by, intending to follow it all day if necessary, until it brought the package to West Jacksonport. He would then drive back to his office, leaving bread crumbs as he returned to mark his route.

Ingenious as this plan was, failure followed when Luskuski tailed the truck for 8 hours only to follow it to the Post Office in Fish Creek where he detected the driver making out a new label for the small package and handing it to the clerk while mumbling something about paying the postage from his own pocket. Ace detective Luskuski’s plan fell apart entirely when he realized the package would go back to Green Bay for routing and then be placed on one of the many trucks leaving in all directions.

So, Lambert Luskuski was finished, but shortly thereafter R. Nesbitt Slouth was at the task and on the trail. R. Nesbitt Slouth wasted no time in contacting Wal-Mart headquarters in Bunionville, Arkansas and advising them that there was a community in Door County, Wisconsin that did not have a Wal-Mart Supercenter. It was called West Jacksonport!

Within six minutes applications for a Wal-Mart Supercenter – to be located in West Jacksonport – began to arrive in Sturgeon Bay at the Door County offices. On the third day, local officials determined that stacking the applications higher than seven feet presented safety problems, and on day five, they resolved that all newly arriving paperwork be sent to and held at the County garage. A day later officials made calls to Palmer Johnson asking if any floor space were available in the next few days.

Tourists accustomed to driving to Door County and securing a motel room for a good weather weekend were startled to learn the only rooms available were south of Appleton as cheerful men had arrived almost overnight and were renting every car and room within 90 miles of the supposed location of West Jacksonport. These men had no need of the hardware store. They had compasses, binoculars, and maps and they had determined looks in their eyes as they fanned out across central Door County.

R. Nesbitt Slouth took all this in with a knowing look, but with the trained move of a man who left nothing to uncertainty he was sending applications of his own, applications in large envelopes addressed to Washington, D.C. Bypassing the overworked officials and the various men and women representing us in Congress, R. Nesbitt Slouth sent no less than 340 applications to the Obama administration for stimulus funds for West Jacksonport, Wisconsin, population 212,296 with a suburban area including another 48,009 people, all of whom were depressed in one way or another.

Slouth had it figured this way:  Either the army of Wal-Mart surveyors and explorers will find West Jacksonport or they will simply build one somewhere between Egg Harbor and Jacksonport so they will have somewhere to put up their store.

The folks in Washington will either come out to see if there are really all those depressed people who need stimulus money, in the process locating West Jacksonport, or they won’t admit they can’t find it either, but will send on enough stimulus money to insure about a quarter of a million people will vote for them in the next election.

Everyone in Door County should be satisfied one way or another. So, while West Jacksonport has not exactly been found as of this moment, there are exciting events ahead. R. Nesbitt Slouth is out looking for real estate with at least 150 feet of shoreline. He has put his property in West Jacksonport on the market.

Jerry Gallagher is a sometimes cynic and lukewarm crank who sends poorly researched articles to the Pulse after he has properly mowed his croquet court. He lives on the bluff in Ephraim with his usually understanding wife Janet.