A Guy Recipe

It is a perfect conundrum, and to suggest here is a problem that cannot be solved, if it can, the solution is worse. Nice word is conundrum, it even sounds like a conundrum should, doleful at the last syllable.

A recipe for guys is a conundrum. Guys, if they are real guys and not just faking, like tools. Tools are to guys what mirrors are to females. Never have enough, the more the better. Besides, tools get lost, stolen, broken, two of each is a good idea anyway. Two pliers, that’s easy; actually about twenty of various calibers are required. You can own twenty pliers and not one will be the same as the next. Twenty I think is too low an estimate when it comes to pliers…wire, fencing, crimping, needle nose, locking, channel lock, long reach, pipe, grommet, non-sparking cutters, nippers, lineman’s, and we haven’t but started.

The only time tools don’t count to a guy is when we cook. When my wife leaves me to fend for myself at mealtime, I revert to the simplest biological organism known to the catalogs of science. Meaning supper is right out of the can. Peanut butter. I can as a result fabricate a peanut butter sandwich a lot more efficiently than my wife. Spoonful of peanut butter, a slice of bread, even if eaten separately still equals peanut butter sandwich. From the way I see it when eaten separate a peanut butter sandwich becomes a two-course meal. Hot dogs right out of the pouch are good too, frozen adds a unique texture, besides chewing your food is good for you.

The perfect guy recipe doesn’t require a stove, a kitchen sink or a stirring spoon. It does in the case of asparagus require a hat. Also a stick and a small tin can. One more ingredient, as is not an ingredient exactly, a walk. A real guy recipe requires a walk. A walk in the evening along a hedge, though the town road will do; the guy, the hat, the stick, a little can. At this juncture you might want to add a dog if any less ingredient, at least a sauce.

What we are after here is a priori stuff, what all god-fearing food connoisseurs seek, a really major ingredient; ambience. (Betcha didn’t think I could spell connoisseur, never mind ambience, if it did take three tries.) In the case of perfect asparagus, ambience is the difference just like those gussied up rarebits served at restaurants with utterly indecipherable menus. Not to neglect the price of those indecipherable words, this is another form of ambience. If you ask me the whole she-bang for the average connoisseur is ambience, explaining why the hat, the stick and the tin can. Though I did forget one item, a vital ingredient:  a sock, bring along a sock, if wearing one that will do.

After stalking and slaying your asparagus, which is what the walk is about, build a fire, a small fire lest the neighbors discern your location is on their side of the fenceline. Yes, I know I didn’t say to bring a knife or matches but I do expect some things as standard equipment on a guy. A delicate fire is this, an all-together circumspect fire, what the once and fabulous voyageurs called a bouilloire, a tea fire. Small wood is the right thing, it ignites readily, besides leaves and twigs are flavor factors. Fill the can with water; hold the tin can over the fire. Use the stick. At this time or soon after, put the asparagus in the sock. Here then are the principle ingredients, fire, can, sock, asparagus. Cook awhile. I don’t know how long. Think of something wise during the interim. OK, think of the best dirty joke you ever heard, about the cow, the number six Spalding golf ball and lady golfer. Think quantum mechanics, string theory, stuff like that. Myself, I prefer thinking about females in that they are the same difficulty factor as quantum theory but easier to look at.

After the period of prayerful contemplation dump the asparagus out of the sock and eat it. Just that way. Plain. No salt, no sauce, no cheese. Just asparagus the way Columbus ate it and Hiawatha and Beowulf. Best part yet…drink the water. Most people, some who may be connoisseurs, don’t know asparagus water is the best part of asparagus. As good as asparagus itself. The reason why this is a guy recipe isn’t because of the fire, or the hat or the tin can; it’s because the sock is now clean. Tomorrow, cook the other one.