An Outlook

When you live in Door County and own a business, one of the things you are required to do in the tourist season is answer the question, “What do you do in the winter?” I confess that I find answering this question wearisome, but I also understand why our visitors are curious.

At this point in time I have some fairly well rehearsed answers to this question, most of which are very polite, though I have a few cautionary tales if I deem the audience appropriate. One answer I’ve never given though is that in winter I listen to lots of Wisconsin Public Radio (WPR). To clarify this somewhat, I listen to WPR in the bookstore and in the winter the door is closed and I can usually hear the programs just fine. During the tourist season the door is open and I’m busier with customers, so even though WPR is on in the store I miss large segments of the programs.

One of the things I discovered through my winters of listening to WPR is that not everyone who calls in (and therefore must be listening) is intelligent. As a matter of fact, some of the questions or comments that listeners call in to programs with are outright stupid.

Some of my favorite examples of shows that seem to attract less than intelligent listeners are the nature programs. And I particularly enjoy it when one of the shows has a bird specialist as the guest because these shows are always dominated by questions on one theme:   “What bird am I seeing in my yard?” Remarkably, people call into these programs and actually expect some unfortunate expert to tell them what type of bird is visiting their feeders based solely on their description.

My favorite was the woman who called in and said that she had a bird in her yard that “looked like a Downy Woodpecker” but it wasn’t a Downy Woodpecker. The expert on this day was very patient and polite. He asked pointed questions, he asked for clarification; in short, he did all the right things. Yet every time he made a suggestion about what type of bird it might be the woman would respond, “No, that’s not it,” or “No, I looked that one up and it’s not that either.” And throughout the entire conversation, it never crossed this woman’s mind that she was talking to an expert who probably knew a great deal more about birds than she did (which was presumably why she called in the first place).

As I noted earlier, I have lots of time to listen to WPR in the winter, which means I also have plenty of time to daydream. So as I listened to this woman continually contradict the expert she was soliciting help from I began to wonder what this conversation might be like if I were a bird expert and I was the guest on the program when this woman (or someone just like her) called in. I think it would go something like this:

Ludmilla (the caller):  Nope, that’s not it either.

Ralph (the host):  Well, Ludmilla, you seem to really have Steve stumped here. [Switching the microphone off and talking to Steve:  “You want me to get rid of her.”]

Steve [Responding to Ralph:  “No, that’s alright. I know what to do.”]

Ralph (after switching the microphones back on):  So, what do you think this bird is, Steve? We seem to have run through most of the species.

Steve (with an artificial chuckle that intentionally sounds artificial):  Yes, Ralph, I guess we have by now, haven’t we. I must say, Ludmilla, I’m perplexed. When was the last time you saw this bird.

Ludmilla:  This morning at my feeder.

Steve:  And it’s just an ordinary feeder with ordinary feed.

Ludmilla:  That’s right.

Steve:  Well, Ludmilla, it might just be that we have something truly, truly special here.

Ludmilla (rather excitedly):  Really?!?

Steve:  Are you familiar with Sherlock Holmes.

Ludmilla:  Well, sort of.

Steve:  Well, to paraphrase Holmes, ‘When you’ve eliminated all the other possibilities, whatever you are left with, no matter how improbable, must be the answer.’

Ralph (seeming a little nervous about where this might be going):  Well, we’ve certainly eliminated an awful lot of possibilities.

Steve (with a suitably triumphant tone):  Exactly! Therefore the answer to this problem and the bird Ludmilla is seeing at her feeder must be none other than an Audubon’s Conundrum!!!

Ludmilla:  A what?

Steve (taking on a Holmesian tone):  An Audubon’s Conundrum, my good woman!

Ludmilla:  That’s not in my bird book.

Steve:  Of course it isn’t in your book! It has never been conclusively identified and studied. Bird experts like me have heard rumors of its existence throughout the years from hobbyist like you. But neither my colleagues through the centuries nor myself have ever been able to collect one for study.

Ludmilla:  Oh my.

Steve:  Ludmilla, I’d like to ask you to stay on the line so the producer can get your address. After I’m done with the program I’ll make some calls and I would think, given the importance of your discovery, that I can mobilize a team of experts to be at your door within a day.

Ludmilla:  Oh. Oh my!

Steve:  Stay on the line now, Ludmilla. Ralph, who’s our next caller?

Of course, if I was a bird expert and I was a guest on WPR and I did do something like this I would never be a guest expert on WPR again. And, before you know it, more less than stellar intellects would be back calling some poor misguided expert asking him/her to identify the “The bird at my feeder that looks like a goldfinch but isn’t.”