Be Agreeable

If civility represents the space between people, then being agreeable is the gold standard of civil behavior. People who are agreeable generally have positive regard for others: are warm, generous, affectionate and pleasant to be around. They readily help others and cooperate well in group situations.

In other words, agreeable people are highly pro-social. People who are low in agreeableness show the opposite behaviors, including being difficult and demanding, being oppositional, being untrusting of others’ intentions, and lacking in social skills. So at first glance, in a civil society, it stands to reason there is no such thing as “too much of a good thing,” that is, being too agreeable.

Contrary to what we might wish about the positive value of being agreeable, it turns out that nice guys do finish last…in the workplace. Large-scale studies spanning multiple professions found that men high in agreeableness earn about 18 percent less than disagreeable men and also get fewer promotions. The same patterns hold true for women, though at a weaker statistical level.

From an interpersonal perspective, “going along to get along” results in a loss of respect and credibility from others. The over-agreeable person is discounted, considered a person without worthy opinions and one who lacks assertiveness. Further, if you are someone who always says yes, you can count on being exploited by others, always getting left with the scut work.

Obviously, the key to optimum agreeableness is to strike a balance between being too agreeable for your own good and too disagreeable for everyone else’s good. Fortunately, most of us fall somewhere in between those two poles. Agreeableness is considered one of five basic dimensions of personality, the others being extraversion, conscientiousness, neuroticism, and openness.

Each of these broad categories includes many personality traits and represents a continuum between two extremes. Each is remarkably universal, and has its origin in biology (our genes). While all behavior involves the interaction between biology and situational variables (nature and nurture), personality is complex and generally quite consistent over time. Thus, it is not amenable to significant change. Pretty much, you are stuck with your personality.

But no matter how hard-wired your personality is or where you are on the agreeableness continuum, one area that is open to change is learned skills, particularly conflict resolution skills in regard to being agreeable. If you choose, it is possible to remain true to yourself and learn how to disagree without being disagreeable. Practicing some seemingly small shifts in thinking and acting will yield big rewards in being the agreeable person you want to be. In a conflict or disagreement with someone, start by keeping an open mind and considering that you might be wrong – or right. Listen first to learn and understand rather than attack. Acknowledging the other person’s viewpoint is not the same thing as agreeing with it. Still, do look for areas of alignment, avoid using “don’t,” and do say, “Yes and…” rather than, “Yes, but…” Depersonalize your comments, distinguishing the opinion from the person holding it. Frame your suggestions in the context of the intended outcomes or objectives. Doing these things allows you to disagree without being seen as arrogant or righteous and helps keep others’ defenses down. Learning to disagree without being disagreeable is about making a point without making an enemy.

Each month we are highlighting one of the nine principles of the Door County Civility Project. This month Door County Civility Project team member Susan McAninch writes about Principle No. 6: Be Agreeable. For more on the project or to sign the Civility Pledge, visit doorcountycivilityproject.org.

Have you witnessed a Random Act of Civility? Let us know about it at [email protected].

Susan McAninch is a retired clinical social worker and psychotherapist.