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Commentary: Finding My Body Image

I was voted Class Comedian my senior year of high school, but you won’t find a picture of me in the yearbook. I was flattered by the title, but the truth was that I was too ashamed of myself to pose for yearbook pictures.  

I appeared happy and jovial to most everyone. Inside I was suffering.

My love affair with exercise started as a young, impressionable child. My mom kept a steady workout routine consisting of squatting, grape vining and pelvic thrusting with Richard Simmons’ Sweatin’ to the Oldies. I tagged along, feeling the burn and memorizing the exercises that Richard was so enthusiastically teaching. One day I asked her why people exercise.  

“To lose weight,” she explained.  

To lose weight?! It was then that I realized that being an overweight or fat person was considered unflattering and unattractive. I began to look at myself differently and started comparing my body to those of the other girls my age.

I spent most of my adolescence struggling with my body image, but it wasn’t until high school that my obsession became physically unhealthy. My junior year of high school had just begun, and I was, in my opinion, a pudgy teenager. My mom came home with a new diet book for herself. I quickly snatched it away, studying the book cover to cover. I began following all the diet rules to a T. Before I knew it, weight was falling off me. People were constantly complimenting me on my slimmed-down appearance, and I felt great! After a while, I began tightening my restrictions, and soon I was barely eating anything. My daily exercise regimen was also crazy, spending five hours or more in a sweaty mess.

By now, I was no longer receiving compliments on my body. People became worried, and nobody knew what to do or how to help. My diet had turned into a full-blown eating disorder.   

As things began to spiral out of control, my body reacted to the lack of sustenance. I was constantly cold, feeling drained and exhausted. I had a skinny body but never wore clothes to show off my figure. Eventually I stopped applying makeup and began wearing sweatpants and sweatshirts to school. I could no longer have bowel movements without taking a large dose of laxatives.

Several months into my senior year of high school, I was struggling to maintain my unhealthy lifestyle. One lonely night, with tears in my eyes, I poured myself a bowl of Rice Chex and quickly devoured the starchy goodness. The sweet taste of carbs set off a serious binge. I went crazy and ate everything in sight. Carbs never tasted so delicious – and I never felt so terrible about myself. After this binge, my “will power” was blown, and I couldn’t stop myself from eating. I began to gain weight and felt like a huge failure.

Shortly after beginning my career as a personal trainer, I became friends with my co-worker, Tom. Tom taught me a lot about the way a healthy, active person eats. He taught me about portion control and healthful combinations of food, and he helped me view food as a way of fueling my body.  

Tom suggested that I attend an Overeaters Anonymous meeting to get support from other people with the same problem. Meeting women of advanced age struggling with their diets and body image scared me. I didn’t want to spend my life controlled by my obsession. I began eating all foods – nothing was off limits. I watched my portion sizes and had healthy conversations in my head while I was eating. I ate until I was satisfied and not full. I began to be more forgiving of myself and realized that eating a burger or a Snickers bar was not going to make me fat. I also changed my workout regimen. Lifting weights and feeling strong felt empowering to me, so I began to incorporate more of that in my life.

I have learned to live a healthy, balanced lifestyle, and it feels amazing! Feeling fit, having energy and being able to participate in life is an incredible feeling. Being free of my obsession is a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I must admit that I still have that little voice in my head that picks apart my body and scolds me for eating poorly. If I skip a day of exercise or eat more food than usual, I find myself feeling guilty. At that point, I remind myself that life needs to be enjoyed, and eating less healthfully from time to time is not going to make me fat.

We are groomed to believe that being skinny is healthy and that feeling confident is the direct result of being a certain size. Instead, I ask that we support one another, refraining from harsh judgment and criticism. It’s up to us to support one another through body-positive posts on social media and in everyday life.   

Ashley Lusk is a nationally certified personal trainer and the owner of Homebody Personal Training. She provides in-home training and offers classes and private sessions at the Door County Fitness Studio.