Coordinated Community Response Column: Listen to Your Gut

By Brooke Dey, M.A., L.P.C Domestic Violence Coordinator

Krista and Amy are roommates. At the local coffee shop they shared their recent dating and relationship updates. Krista is dating Steve, an electrician, for three months. Krista informed Amy that she is getting this gut feeling in her stomach that something is off. She states that Steve is so cute she doesn’t want to listen to that gut feeling. Krista hates being alone but does not want a relationship out of desperation. Krista thinks Steve is really handsome, and has a good job and even is already talking about maybe moving in together one day and marriage. Krista feels like he is so attentive and always asks where she is and what she is doing. Krista said that it’s even cute sometimes that Steve seems slightly jealous if she doesn’t answer his calls right away and questions her if she was with another guy.

Amy reminded Krista that they have a lease for their apartment and she cannot afford it without her. Amy told Krista it feels like she doesn’t have any time for their friendship anymore. Krista understood and said, “I know. I feel bad but Steve doesn’t like to be without me and gets irritated if I don’t have time for him.” She also told Amy that he is on probation for domestic violence-battery with his ex-wife and he has two children with her. Amy asked Krista if she has seen anything violent from him? Krista reported to Amy that Steve said his ex-wife is crazy and tries to get him mad and that he should have never been arrested and it was not his fault that his ex-wife broke her arm.

If you’re ever feeling like you have a gut feeling about something, listen to it! It’s intuition that is telling you something is not exactly right. There is a reason something doesn’t feel exactly right. Instead of pushing this feeling away, open your mind and listen to it and become more aware of what it is trying to tell you.

There are many red flags to an abusive relationship. One trait is irrational jealousy. The partner wants nothing to come first but them. They do not want to share you with anyone and want to ultimately isolate you so you have nothing but them. A second trait is not taking responsibility; everything is always everyone else’s fault. They have little to no insight into why situations took place and what they could have done differently.

If you are concerned that your relationship has indicators of an abusive relationship, research red flags to abusive relationships or stop in at HELP of Door County, Inc. and meet with an advocate and discuss healthy versus unhealthy relationships. It is much easier to leave a relationship early than to be stuck in an unhealthy one later down the road.

HELP of Door County, Inc. offices are located at 219 Green Bay Rd. in Sturgeon Bay. For more information visit helpofdoorcounty.org.

This article is brought to you in part by the Door County Coordinated Community Response (CCR) to Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Teams and the Door County Elder and Adult-at-Risk Interdisciplinary Team.