Guerrilla Gardening

“If I say, ‘Oh nice,’ about seven times in the same show, things aren’t going well.” – Oprah Winfrey

Survival of the fittest has now reduced your containers to a monoculture. That lovely pot so full of vibrant hues just two weeks ago is now nothing more than potato vine. Or, perhaps the Super Thug coleus has achieved the heavy weight title. Whatever, whichever, it’s time for maintenance!

Head on down to your handy-dandy corner hardware store and procure the spring-loaded snips manufactured by Fiskars. These little wonders will set you back a pretty penny, but are well worth the price. With their diminutive size and razor sharp edge, one is easily able to penetrate dense foliage and SNIP!

Wait, not the hedge clippers! Don’t just hack the outer layers off as you’ll simply exacerbate the problem by causing a denser blob of foliage. And what’s with all the ugly stumps? Instead, go buy the stupid snips you were directed to in the first place so you may proceed correctly. With snips in hand, reach into the plant and thin out the “bush.” Carve out the necessary space to allow the hidden blossoms to reappear. Be brave. Be creative. Pretend you’re 10 years old again, getting away with cutting your best friend’s hair. It’ll grow back!

Now, move over to the herb garden and apply the same theory to all the plants that have become spindly tree trunks instead of the lush, little balls that they were when they last received correct care (back at the nursery). You’ve probably been plucking off the few leaves you needed for dinner, and now there’s nothing left. Instead, cut the stem at the junction of new shoots, which will provide flavor for dinner tonight and encourage new growth for the future. Two for one! Cut! Cut!

Now that you’re cutting like crazy, you’ll need to modify your tool! You probably already know what we’re going to say, since you’ve now become familiar with the Fiskars snips’ problem. That’s right, it’s always getting stuck closed, because the rotten little sliding lock is always sliding down and aborting your cut. Most frustrating! Tear the lock off with a pair of pliers. Life just got easier!

One last word of advice. When all else fails, do what the professionals do and head back to the nursery, purchase perfection, and simply replant the whole shooting match. You’ll make your local grower very happy, and change is good!