Guerrilla Gardening

“Life’s a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!” – Rosalind Russell as Auntie Mame, 1958

Too broke to make it to a warmer clime this frozen season? Head on down to the Baileys Harbor branch of the Door County Library System and enjoy a little bit of green.

Over the last couple of winters we’ve over-wintered many plants in the warm and spacious rooms of the library. Tall palms, maroon draceanas, barbed agaves, black bamboo and others do alright in the low light. Nothing is growing to perfection, but many plants will subsist through the winter and in our ice-filled season that’s worth talking about.

Indoor gardening is a world in-and-of itself. Many plants are too fussy or too pest-susceptible, so be ready for some ruthless trial and error. Indoor plants on a scale larger than one pot also require a fair amount of work, so only the “worthy” make the cut. Besides, where else would our great compost come from if we weren’t in the business of killing plants?

Indoor plants should be kept in as much light as possible, in as cool a temperature as possible, free from too much moisture, protected from too dry of conditions, clean of dust, light on the fertilizer, and constantly checked for spider mites, mealy bugs, and scale. Any plant that shows signs of rot or pests should be ejected “with prejudice!” Unless you’re willing to utilize nasty chemicals, most organic controls don’t work inside. The reason being, that the infected plant is probably too weak to defend itself and will remain a problem even if the initial problem is fixed. In the immortal words of Arlo Guthrie, “Kill, Kill, Kill, Kill…”

Should your facility fail to have sufficient light and/or you personally suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, consider a full spectrum grow light. In fact, at our house we hang a 1,000 watt metal halide bulb from the cathedral ceiling in our kitchen. In addition to happy plants, we also have much happier dispositions ourselves as we, too, benefit from the “sunlight.”

One final recommendation for indoor plants, is to use a high quality soil-less potting mix. Garden soil is too heavy to lift and filled with all kinds of things that you don’t want in your kitchen! Yikes!

Be brave. Be daring. Be strong. Try several kinds of plants to see which is most able to survive your care. Practice “tough love” when your charges wilt. Should your thumbs prove too black, consider a weekly bouquet of fresh flowers. That way, you can console yourself that despite the fact that plants hate you, your local florist will love you!