Horoscopes

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): This year, feel at ease giving your auditor Clorox for Christmas.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): You have lots of cooking in your future which will be very enjoyable for you, but not very enjoyable for the bird.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Be afraid of the elephants, regardless of the tusk length.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your dependency on spell check will reach new heights Thursday when you find yourself unable to spell the word spell.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Give money to your mother and wisdom to your children. Also, feed your cat kibble.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your seventy-second cup of coffee in the new year will be just delicious. Enjoy this time looking forward to it.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): You thought you saw a blue jay at your window, but it was actually an elf dressed up for Halloween on the wrong day.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): If the voices in your head become too loud, tell them to shush. Or, give them a sideways glance.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): A hammer and your thumb will have a temporary but highly unpleasant union during your picture hanging session.

Virgo (August 23 – September): A blast of cold air is will erupt from your face just seconds after you begin chewing that special chewing gum with flavor crystals. Instruct others to dress warmly.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Your lucky Post-It note color this month is green.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Your obsession with the TV show Lost serves as an apt metaphor for your life.