Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Create a New Year’s resolution that will diminish but not eliminate the joy of acting like a valley girl.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Pat your self on the back for a job well done, then slap yourself on the wrist for patting your self on the back. Best not to be prideful.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Like a regular Harry Potter, you’re turning heads with those new spectacles. In the new year, look for a striped scarf and mildly annoying accent.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Your lucky party favor this week is the “noisemaker.” Just why this is lucky, however, will not be apparent until after the cops leave.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A great philosopher once asked, “If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?” This week you will prove – quite convincingly – that you were not there and did not hear it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Your efforts to create less paper waste will go swimmingly in the weeks ahead, but you may want to rethink the idea of writing apology notes to trees on paper and opt instead for a courteous e-apology.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Though you are set to make a regrettable fashion error, you shall nonetheless take a special pride in inspiring Weird Al’s next obscure hit.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): You may not be able to kick that case of “Christmas-mania” completely until March, but if it all possible refrain from caroling in the neighborhood after the 25th.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): A road sign will lead you astray from your intended destination, but take heart. Your chances are one in four that you’ll end up somewhere warmer.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): January isn’t typically a banner month for you, but maybe this time around that long-desired pardon will come through. Cross your fingers and you just might get lucky.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): You are widely revered and universally cherished, mostly because you widely and universally bribe people to think so.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Get yourself a new 2010 calendar featuring flowers or puppies – this year, it’s best that you steer clear of the “Calendar With Pictures of Myself” theme for reasons that should be abundantly obvious.