Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Your wit is rivaled only by your spit.



Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Scam artist that you are, you just couldn’t help smuggling that bottled water into the movie theater, could you? Shame on your house. Shame and a thousand snakes.



Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): It is not the Chinese year of the tiger, but rather the Wisconsin year of the donkey. It is for this reason that you must both answer to synonyms for the word donkey and transport materials slowly over long distances.



Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your gene pool pokes some real holes in that whole “Darwinism” theory, but maybe, just maybe, one of these days we’ll find a use for you after all.



Aries (March 21 – April 19): You’re sitting pretty right now, but soon you’ll be standing ugly. Remember this next time you feel the urge to brag, show off, or make even the slightest attempt at eye contact with a stranger.



Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Run for the hills!



Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Teddy bears, tennis balls, and t-shirts are just a few of the things beginning with “T” you should take extreme caution with this week. Tuesday and Thursday are going to be a little dicey, but you’ll pull through.



Cancer (June 22 – July 22): You’ve started to incessantly take videos of friends. Best to make them sign a waiver ‘cause lord knows their legal skills exceed your YouTube posting skills.



Leo (July 23 – August 22): A smelly old frog should NOT be kissed despite the subtle urging of the Disney Corporation. Think “contagious facial disease” and you’ll get the picture.



Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Your belief in mystical creatures is surpassed only by your love of trans fat. Put the two together and you’ve got one exciting new religion on your hands!



Libra (September 23 – October 22): It’s a good idea to begin reading a long book now if for no other reason than to prove that video games have not permanently ruined your attention span. That is, of course, assuming you got this far into the horoscopes.



Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): A recent dispute has left you with some feelings of ill will. But hey – you’ll forgive that dog someday. You never know when and where you’re gonna need to go.