Horoscopes

Leo (July 23 – August 22):  A popped piece of bubble gum on your face will likely enhance your overall appearance at Tuesday’s piano recital.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22):  Your complaints are quite plain. You should instead make com-beautifuls.

Libra (September 23 – October 22):  You have the most unbelievably well styled hair that ever existed. Try not to blind people with your beauty.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):  Like the grains of sand in an hourglass, so are the words coming out of you mouth – numerous and mostly beige.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):  Your beef with the post office will be mostly of the “ground” variety.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):  A parade in your honor will likely entail several hogs and sheep.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):  Your lucky farming equipment this month is the cherry tree shaker. Shake as much as possible, even if it’s not a fruit tree.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20):  A hearty game of cribbage will end hilariously when you inadvertently peg a cricket.

Aries (March 21 – April 19):  A fluffy bunny will appear cute, but don’t be fooled. That bunny has evil plans for your carrot patch.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):  Fair warning:  your new spatula may have been “spat” on.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21):  A massive cheeseburger will soon descend from the sky, proving your apocalyptic theory correct. Unfortunately, the mayhem will be too widespread for you to get your “I told you so” moment.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22):  A technological glitch will alert others to the fact that you are a robot, but the good news is that you will be able to destroy invasive species with your laser beam eyes.