Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19): A $20 bill will do a lot of the talking for you, as long as you don’t snap your fingers at the waiter.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your birthday is around the bend; make this year’s “avoiding sad reality” tradition a memorable one by hiding in your bathtub for the next 30 days.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Celebrate Earth Day by decorating your home with dirt.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Your lucky flooring this week is the Banana Slide, which is going to look great on your staircase.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): The phone keeps ringing and you are rightly annoyed. Now, if you could just figure out how to get the Britney Spears ringtone removed, you might have a shot at peace.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): A know-it-all will know nothing next week as long as you feed it after midnight.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Like a donkey without an umbrella, you are a drenched, unhappy mule.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): A razor sharp sarcastic remark will not break your bones, but it will be the tipping point in the pending lawsuit.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): A 12-piece band will appear at your window to serenade you. It will be a very thoughtful gift, but also a good reminder to verbalize your distaste for polka music more often.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): A house fly on the sly will make you shy after too much hair dye.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Remember, your Dancing with the Stars vote really matters. The self confidence of countless reality TV stars hangs in the balance, and they’re counting on you to admire their half-clad sparkly outfits.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): A nasty blister is set to develop in the crux of your pinky and ring finger.