Taurus (April 20 – May 20): The time for roller skates has arrived, so strap a couple to your hands and have a great time!
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): You are likely to encounter an unfriendly arachnid during your next gardening session, but think of it as a chance to enjoy Halloween in May.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): A secret message is waiting for you on page 11 of this newspaper. All you need to do is send in $1,000 in pennies and your secret decoder pen will arrive in 4 to 6 weeks.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): A new hairdo will be the talk of the town. Luckily, your dog will not feel the same embarrassment that you do.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Like an endangered baby seal, you are the subject of someone’s heartfelt rescue missions. Repay the kindness with cute gestures and only minimal slobbering.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Your lucky garden tool is the spade, which, oddly, will not be lucky at all on Thursday’s trip to Oneida Casino.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): They say you can tell a lot by a person’s shoes, but we would never have pegged you for a ballerina/cowboy split personality.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): You will accomplish great things in the realm of noodle re-heating.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Everyone knows it’s tough to find a job right now, so it’s best if you give up your dream of being a paid Civil War re-enactor.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): This month you will find yourself constantly changing light bulbs and batteries. And should you find yourself wondering if it’s a giant conspiracy, the answer is yes.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): A new hobby will bring unintended consequences as you suddenly find yourself yodeling at a convention for identical twins. Roll with it and you’ll be just fine.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Are people around you shirking their duties? Are you the unwitting victim of another person’s disorganization? Fight back with hyena sounds and ketchup.