Horoscopes

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A typing lesson will go awry when a mosquito sabotages your right index finger.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Your penchant for drama will soon clash terribly with your boss’s penchant for office tranquility.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Your lucky movie this week is Free Willy 2.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Your next online shopping spree is likely to become the subject of a scathing mockumentary. Do your best to act like you knew that.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Tuesday will be a confusing day no thanks to the mind games played on you by that strange-looking Labrador.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): A childhood fantasy shall soon be realized when you enjoy chocolate, mint and strawberry fluoride treatments all at once.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): It’ll be treacherous sailing at the DMV next week, despite your copious bribes and cleared schedule. Be prepared to feel a little low for a day or two.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): A jackhammer noise will be persistent through Monday’s yoga class. But don’t worry – that’s just Larry.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): As a die-hard Trekkie, you will soon achieve limited but intense fame as the inventor of biodegradable Spock ears.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): The vermin shall soon evacuate your basement, causing you to feel a nagging sense of loneliness.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Instead of mowing your lawn this month, see if you can trick the neighbor into gnawing it short for a shiny silver dollar.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): An ancient curse is set to strike, causing you to marvel that bad hair dye curses were around in ancient times.