Horoscopes

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Your lucky musical instrument this week is the ukulele, which will serve as an astonishing lapel brooch.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Wednesday will be a great s’mores day. In a connected way, Thursday will be a terrible laundry day.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): My oh my, what large ears you have. Consider dryer shrinkage.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Next time you step up to the plate to swing the bat, focus hard on not clubbing yourself.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Chances are really high that you’ll see a kangaroo near Kangaroo Lake this month. A causeway vigil is well starred.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Although you’re attitude of “never do tomorrow what you can do today” is noble in many respects, you must remember to shower both today and tomorrow.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): The metaphor “a watched pot never boils” will ring totally untrue as you witness your skin sunburn before your eyes, turning you the color of a blistery, rouged tomato at the beach this weekend.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): A bad case of the hiccups will turn catastrophic as you attempt to advance to the next round of the Karaoke championships.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): A foray into the world of mushroom hunting will end poorly this week with a noticeable decline in your grasp of reality.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Fried chicken will have a negative influence your arithmetic skills as you try, in vain, to add up the calories you just consumed.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): A tragedy will turn to comedy when you discover that dad’s bad case of Poison Ivy was really only Athlete’s Foot.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Seventy-one cents will be the paltry sum standing between you and your tollbooth passage to Illinois. But, you’ll find a nice freeway-side campsite and decide maybe things aren’t too bad after all.