Horoscopes

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): A new hobby will prove fruitful when you successfully pick cherries while riding a horse.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Your lucky bar food this month is the cheese curd. Guess you’ll have to try and find a bar you haven’t been kicked out of yet.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): An evil squirrel is set to win Tuesday’s staring contest, but you’ll have the last laugh when you enjoy a bag of peanuts right before its beady little eyes.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You’ve been chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for some time now with poor results. Shift gears and try to climb the rainbow instead.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Even though it is not your birthday, demand presents and pig out on cake.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): The baseball card you foolishly traded in third grade is now worth about $4,000. But, at least you have those hysterical Garbage Pail Kids you got in the trade to make you feel better.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): You shall soon find yourself in the middle of an African Safari gone bad…next time, try to not storm the people in the Jeep and things will go better.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Someone said to you recently that you are dumber than a doorknob, which has got you wondering, “Huh?”

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Too much of that 5-Hour Energy stuff has made you a little twitchy. Next time, try 4-Hour Energy instead.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): A dental correction is headed your way, and not a minute too soon.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Laziness is your enemy. Sadly, you are too lazy to fight it. Oh well.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Take a swim in the bay. It will be cold, but it’ll be a good cure for how much you miss winter.