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Horoscopes

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Your desire to operate a giant steel mill near Gary, Indiana will soon be fulfilled. Until then, participate in ballroom dancing.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Even though you are a big fan of Amtrak, a career in embezzlement or stealing draft horses promises more excitement and a better ride. Define your wardrobe and avoid bright orange.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Signals from Jupiter indicate that your quest to be the first person on the planet cannot be confirmed until it is discovered who is sending the signals. Do not open a jar of cousin Billy’s home brew near open flame.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): You will become aware that whooping cough does not today enjoy the popularity it once had. If it feels like the moment, seize it and rotate your tires.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): A message has just been received from interstellar space for you which advises you to “not operate heavy machinery” while reading your horoscopes. Take your change in Lincoln pennies.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Placing all your trust in fortune cookie forecasts has no created the harmony you seek. To improve Karma, get into mass production of motorcycle decals to paste on Buick bumpers. A Hollywood movie contract will be in tomorrow’s mail.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Sensations that you thought were vibrations from constellations such as Ursa Major and Orion have turned out to be false and were created by someone who put a concrete block into the clothes dryer in the next door apartment.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): A “Noreaster” will blow good fortune your way and it will have the additional benefit of causing your lazy Uncle Roger to pick up his lawn chair and go indoors so that you can finally mow the grass in that spot.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Three hundred voices from above will speak in unison to you offering advice on what to do about those annoying phone calls from Donald Trump. Spats are making a big comeback.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Avoid County E and County EE as the star positions that control your destiny clearly indicate that bungee jumping and robbing 7-11s do not have the same potential for your future that interior decorating holds.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): The hopscotch revival in your area means that you can, once again, wear your polyester plaid pants, with the Day-Glo feature, without ridicule in the weeks ahead.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Astronomical signs tell that you will inherit all the remaining stone in a flooded granite quarry in central Brazil. This is a good time to exchange burned-out light bulbs with your neighbors.