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Horoscopes

Leo (July 23 – August 22): This month seek tranquility through bowling and do not associate with anyone wearing a T-shirt that has a “Clone Elvis” message on it.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Now is the time to withdraw your savings and invest in an alpaca ranch. Later, make a pledge to eradicate the dandelion as your 21st century goal. Yellow looks good on you this season.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): As Saturn is now in the west, consider a career in selling insurance to overweight bungee jumpers. Also, either rotate your aunt’s tires or repair her spelunking equipment.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Opportunity is knocking this period. As soon as the fire department declares the building safe to re-enter, establish Door County’s first fully erasable tattoo parlor in that space.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Levitation is the new craze and your astrological sign indicates that you can glide from Egg Harbor to Clark’s Lake with no additional flotation devices. Wear a helmet, just in case!

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): A vibration from the direction of Dyckesville indicates further verification that the yodeling crown is in your grasp. Be sure to discard all evidence that you once wore polyester slacks to Sunday services.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Look under the folding chair on the aisle seat in the third row at the Ephraim Sunday Sing-a-Long for a message of vital importance. Discontinue disco dance as rhumba is sweeping the nation.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Press your leisure suit and spend time at the bus station. If your laptop goes blank, look up for signs coming from Uranus which are also beamed to your biographer. Turn on your windshield wipers now – rain is forecast.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): You should get a stovepipe hat and prepare for high water. Share your enthusiasm for the roller derby with people who rent mopeds and put-put through Peninsula Park at nine miles per hour.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A football helmet with a dent in it will appear in your bathroom washbowl. Put it with the sheet music of your hit song “I’ll be home for Labor Day.”

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Stay in syncopation until the planets lose luster. Then it will be time to make appointments to have your oil changed and your electric guitar rewired. Use postage stamps this month.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Take up the accordion and give up baton twirling. To insure the best for your goldfish, put bottled water in the tank and put the cat in the garage.