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Horoscopes

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Beware of the antiquated gender vocabularies. Stereotypes will haunt you, especially when selecting your a sandwich from the gas station coolers.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): It’s time to update your home décor. Go for rustic charm with rustic nails and find plenty of pictures of robins, groundhog and daffodils.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your life is lacking in meaning. Find a hobby, such as saving endangered species. Call your congressman and tell him that you love wolfs and eagles.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): On your next business trip, you will win a free bottle of wine. Stock up on extra 3 oz. bottles in order to take your prize through TSA.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Your inner child will beg to come out and play when the next snowflakes fall, but be sure to remember you do not fit in the same size snow pants as when you were five.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Tacos, burritos, and enchiladas are your starred foods this week. Be sure to eat all three within the same day to benefit from the full spiciness.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Down on your luck. Well don’t complain to your shorter co-worker, as they may think you are calling him or her a leprechaun and insults won’t get you anywhere.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Get ready for March Madness nice and early this year. Stow your quarters in a spare pocket and get your bets tabulated.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Stop watching Law & Order re-runs and spice up your life. But, if you must break a law, make it the law of gravity.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Be sure to purchase a puppy now so that by spring it will be able to handle the voracious turkeys attacking your spring flower beds.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Mr. Right is just around the next bend in the road. However, make sure it’s a right bend, as if it’s a left, you may be left at the alter.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Make it a fast-food full house. Check out Dairy Queen, Burger King and Jack and the Box.