Leo (July 23 – August 22):  A small dog with breath mints will provide a worthy example for you to follow.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22):  Write your Congressperson this week about whatever is important to you. Do your best to leave the Packers out of it, however.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): That roller derby sure made you tired, but it’s nothing a little coffee and Red Bull won’t take care of. Get back out there, tiger.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):  Your internal clock is ticking loudly and indicating that perhaps a silent digital unit would be better.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):  A smile and a handshake this month will hold subtle meanings not fully understood – but hey, that’s how the Mafia works so get used to it.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):  A gigantic Ding Dong will soon arrive from outer space. Be very, very afraid and do not try to eat it.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):  Although you’ve tried to figure out which side of your bread is buttered, you keep getting stuck on the fact that you are a margarine user.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20):  A small tornado will attach your hair as you sleep tonight.

Aries (March 21 – April 19):  Your quest to separate church and state is as passionate as your desire to separate the left side of your hair from the right side of your hair with a zig-zagged middle part.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):  Keeping your phone charged will prove exceptionally important this month, as you are likely to be marooned on one of the peninsula’s surrounding islands. Another strong suggestion is to not annoy your co-passengers more than is absolutely necessary.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21):  Turn that frown upside down with a large taxidermy purchase.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22):  A pair of hot pink chaps are the missing element in your wardrobe. Also, no matter what anyone tells you, chaps are in fact workplace appropriate.