Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Your literary talents will be unleashed as favorable winds deliver a strong boost to your communication skills. Use this opportunity to explain to the judge that your frequent fender benders are due to George Bush or the man behind the curtain.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Saturn and Carlsville are in focus this cosmic period and a surprise visit from George Clooney will revive your otherwise sagging spirits. Visit the dry cleaners soon as those spots won’t come out by themselves.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Return all calls this month. A possible announcement from the parole board may fit into your plans to visit Alabama and experience the cuisine. Strong waves of confidence will give you the ability to turn down the free grasshoppers at the local gin mill.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): You will have your choice this month to experience either a volcano or an earthquake and if the heavens smile upon you, it is possible that a tornado could be an alternative choice. This is a favorable time to wear those galoshes that you bought for the wedding reception.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Vibrations, not associated with that junker you drive, are a signal that Extreme Home Makeover will be calling to get the vital statistics for your inadequate application. You may also qualify to compete in the Biggest Loser contest.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): A sighting of your relatives in Sturgeon Bay is your opportunity to visit Illinois until the coast is clear. Remember to advise the parole officer and to get your car out of the tavern parking lot before the next Packers game crowd blocks your exit route.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): More good news this spectacular celestial season. Your dog will stop howling when you start cooking dinner, the roof will not leak any worse than last year and both your lawyer and broker will be indicted on the same day.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Stalwart tremors and rumbles from central downtown Jacksonport are your advance notice that the relatives are likely to reappear on your doorstep. Take evasive action and tell your barkeep that you will be on a foreign barstool until the coast is clear.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Confidence that has eluded you since the dawn of civilization will be found at the local grocery store as you successfully choose the best cantaloupe from the watermelon bin. Use this new attribute to find a purple raincoat to match your Day-Glo yellow parachute pants.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): A rich relative, previously unknown to you, will send you a postcard bearing a message from Nebraska that a valuable treasure has been un-earthed in Iowa with your name on it. The farmer who dug it up will release the treasure for sixty-two hundred dollars; no out of state checks accepted.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): The flash in the west that appeared to you last night is either a sign that your fortune will soon be enhanced or that Uncle Ed has hit another utility pole on his way home. Either way, you will soon receive a load of gravel at half the usual price.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): A clear sign that Leo and Virgo are growing closer is the chance meeting of Dave and Melinda at Max. Use this astrological signal to make amends and change the trajectory of your life to a positive position within the next 90 days or three years if necessary.