Horoscopes

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): A mammoth moose may wander into your Mazda. Make him feel most at ease, and you may make some money.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): With your birthday around the bend, think about what would make you most happy. If your answer is success for the Green Bay Packers, then instead think about the second thing that would make you most happy.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): A fading fire detector battery will ruin a night’s sleep, but hey, it beats the alternative.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Your lucky key this week is Key Largo. Bon voyage.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Now is a terrific time to not act like a turkey. The farmers are a little punchy these days, if you catch my drift.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Try a little love and tenderness at that boxing match. Also, wear lavender.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A cosmic event is likely to occur while you are walking in the woods next Tuesday in the form of an outrageous sneeze.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): There are twelve reindeer who really wish you would list your address in the white pages, Facebook, or anywhere really. This guessing game has gone on too long.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): A sweater will come in handy, especially when you need to sweat.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): A journey to a foreign land will yield culinary disasters, but spectacular sunsets. You may consider just buying a new screen saver instead.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): It is your duty to contribute to consumer confidence ratings this holiday shopping season by going nuts at the mall.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Heavy objects will hurt your back. So, you should buy a donkey.