Horoscopes

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): An elastic hair tie will come in handy during next week’s broken belt debacle. You’ll score low in the “style” category, but very high in the “not pants-less” category.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Your childhood wish to become a firefighter will come true next month when a firefly attacks you in your sleep.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Air travel, once glorious in your view, now ranks below long-distance burro riding. Deal with this development by throwing a tantrum in your travel agent’s office.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Your stamp collection has grown quite large. Time to start mailin.’

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): A large razor will allow you to shave in one fell swoop, thereby reducing your pruning time by four to six minutes. Your weed-like nose hairs, however, are going to require all of Saturday afternoon and the assistance of professional landscapers

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Loud music will do little to drown out the voice of your significant other, but then again dogs do bark awfully loud.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Tooth decay is your greatest enemy, followed by being struck by a meteor and being the recipient of a karate chop to the fourth toe.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): You will soon gain notoriety for your invention of alligator-flavored Gatorade.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Metaphorically speaking, you’ve got a faulty parachute. Plan on a few bruised ribs and freakish hair.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Your lucky allergy this week is shellfish. Puffy eyes are in style, so have fun with it.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Time to trade in your bikini for a snowmobile suit, since it will probably snow sometime around noon tomorrow.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Your team is on a winning steak, probably of the filet mignon variety.