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Horoscopes

Libra (September 23 – October 22):  More pacing, less racing. Steady gets ‘er to the finish in plenty of time.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):  Your lucky steak cut this month is tenderloin.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):  Stay focused on work matters, no matter how loud the hyena to your left is and no matter how bad the rash gets.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):  Be a person of fewer words and you will find your jaw to be less aching at the end of the day.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):  Always remember, it is not appropriate to root for the Vikings if you are a Wisconsinite.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20):  Your performance in Thursday’s dance competition will not yield winning results, but it may put you on a fast track to YouTube stardom.

Aries (March 21 – April 19):  Mix up your color scheme this month by incorporating more peach and turquoise.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):  Sidestepping problems will be a difficult task this week, especially since your feet are glued to the floor.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21):  They say that lions attack because of fear, but they also say the lion is the mightiest on the food chain. Spend time pondering this paradox.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22):  You’ll be disheartened to learn that you are not smarter than a 5th grader. But hey, at least you are taller than a 5th grader.

Leo (July 23 – August 22):  A cotton swab will become dislodged in your keyboard tomorrow, but it may ultimately serve as a swell handle for ear cleaning.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22):  A piece of dust could make for a terrific friend. Try not to be so judgmental.