Horoscopes

Libra (September 23 – October 22):  A message in a bottle is likely to wash up at your feet. Unfortunately, the message will say something along the lines of “You owe me money.”

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):  A wise pumpkin carving choice for you is a self-portrait.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):  This year, to save money, consider merging your Halloween and Christmas budgets and dressing up as tinsel.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):  A pleasant aroma will not hide the fact that you are being totally taken advantage of.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):  Close your eyes and wish really hard and you just might get that unicorn after all.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20):  More polyester is a good idea, as are copious amounts of hair gel and gold medallions. E-harmony is waiting for you.

Aries (March 21 – April 19):  Pay someone a compliment tomorrow and it will make you feel good. Or, demand a massage from someone tomorrow and it will make you feel even better.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):  Your gag reflex will be tested at next Monday’s choir practice.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21):  Show your support for health care reform this month by being a little healthier and a little more caring.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22):  Investment in an umbrella would be wise this week judging from the appearance of your car’s roof.

Leo (July 23 – August 22):  Like a boat adrift at sea, so is your dancing style – wavy and utterly hopeless.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22):  That sweater was made for sweating, so turn up the heat and hop on that treadmill, woolly one!