Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): They say that what goes up must come down, but that may not be true for your hair.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Now is a perfect time to take up a new exercise regimen. Be warned, however, that the struggle will not be to find motivation; instead, the struggle will be with the Spandex that mocks you each morning.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): A new hobby, or perhaps a soft drink choice, will provide unanticipated joy as you tally the days on the wall of your cave.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): A blue jay will forge a special friendship with your cat. Be prepared for harmonious duets at your window accompanied by some light choreography and, later, a delectable vegetarian dinner.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Declare war on fruit flies and you shall emerge victorious.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A creditor will appear at your doorstep and demand payment. In response, demand that he or she henceforth addresses you as “Sheba.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Have another hamburger.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Your belt will soon betray you and fail to hold up its end of the bargain.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Your lucky paper product this week is the paper towel, especially because your new beau looks like the Brawny lumberjack.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): A volcano is likely to erupt somewhere in the chin region.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Prepare for winter at once. It’ll take some tinkering to get your fabricated wings to work, but hey, beats freezing on the edge of a pond all winter,
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Next week’s expo will be shocking thanks to a failed electric fence demo.