Humor

Problems persist throughout northern Door County, but while some people choose to ignore them, other dedicated and devoted citizens are meeting the challenges. What follows here is an interview of Lambert Luskuski, recorded by Peninsula Pulse Senior Correspondent Bjorn Bakken. Luskuski is the chief thinker of the Luskuski Thinkers, a non-governmental group whose exclusive purpose is to find solutions to the great problems facing northern Door County. From Lambert Luskuski’s front porch offices near downtown Carlsville, these hard-hitting Bakken questions and the heavily researched Luskuski solutions were taped 30 July, 2008.

Bjorn Bakken (BB): So, your think tank has identified the ten greatest problems and the solutions to those problems?

Lambert Luskuski (LL): Yes.

BB: What’s the next step?

LL: Yes.

BB: I’ll try to be more specific. Tell us how we can solve the traffic congestion in the towns and villages.

LL: Turn Highway 42 into a northbound one-way from Sturgeon Bay to Gills Rock. Turn Highway 57 into a southbound one-way from Sister Bay to Sturgeon Bay. School buses would be exempt, of course.

BB: Highway 57 ends in Sister Bay, how will people get back from Gill’s Rock?

LL: Did I mention school buses would be exempt. Let’s move on.

BB: What about this insistence from the State Department of Transportation that Door County install roundabouts to improve traffic flow?

LL: We propose a trial roundabout at the bottom of the Sister Bay hill, at the corner where the hardware store, the Bowl, and Husby’s are located. As traffic rotates on Friday nights, the hostess at the Bowl runs out and hands drivers a table time. In winter, drivers can wind up some speed in the roundabout, then shoot up the icy hill. We want this thing to be useful, not just some place kids drive around in circles.

BB: What can Ephraim do about the low water levels?

LL: We are asking every Ephraim resident to donate a garden hose in good condition. We hook them together, run the line over to Baileys Harbor, get a real good pump and send some Lake Michigan water over round the clock. At least until conditions improve.

BB: What about the runway at the Ephraim Gibraltar airport? I am told that the runway is only 3,000 feet long, and that the Chamber of Commerce has made a deal with Lufthansa to fly in rich Germans in their 747s. That plane needs 10,000 feet of runway.

LL: We’ll employ the parallel runway concept. Just block off County A at the Greenwood and at 42 whenever the tower requests it. We’ll have to move some phone poles, but there’s two miles of straight road right there.

BB: What about the shortage of parking near Wilson’s in Ephraim.

LL: Ephraim should move quickly to annex the windfall of all the new land exposed by the receding waters of Green Bay. They could install a three level parking facility right in the center of town. If the water comes back, level one could be converted to covered boat slips.

BB: Has anyone been able to locate West Jacksonport?

LL: We’re getting closer, but we have hit a snag. We brought in a guy who said he was related to both Lewis and Clark, but he went to Nelson’s in Baileys Harbor to get a compass and was lost in the store for three days. Then we hired one of those GPS firms. Since West Jacksonport wasn’t in their system, they couldn’t find it, although they were able to locate to first guy, and get him out of Nelson’s. We finally got smart and addressed a package to ourselves in West Jacksonport and sent it UPS. When the truck comes by, we’ll follow it.

BB: What’s being done about the dangerous railroad crossing throughout Door County?

LL: The County says it doesn’t have the 88 million bucks to build overpasses at all the crossings, and the mayor of Juddville is tired of running out and waving a lantern to stop traffic every time Amtrak approaches at 90 m.p.h., so we plan 75 mega-sized billboards throughout the county with the simple message: “WATCH OUT FOR TRAINS.”

BB: The Pulse has learned that the Ephraim to Fish Creek Toll Road has been stalled. What’s up there?

LL: Mostly the blood pressure of the village officials. Plans to block off the roads through Peninsula State Park so the tourists can’t bypass 42 are hung up in Madison. The trial operations were a bust because the collection baskets had nothing in them but empty beer cans and a Muncie, Indiana phone book, and Governor Doyle got a ticket for not stopping at the Toll Plaza. We’re thinking of parking meters with violation flags that pop up ten minutes early to beef up revenues in both villages as a possible alternative.

BB: Our readership numbers at the Pulse could be higher. A poll conducted by NBC and Sid’s Surveys of Dykesville shows distribution of the newspaper steady at 33,400 copies with a readership at 23, down from 25 from last year. Can you help?

LL: Hire a sports editor and someone who can spell, and you might get it back up to 25. Get rid of dumb feature stories like this one and publish the racing news from Arlington. Limit editorial comment to one sentence, providing it doesn’t offend anyone. That should do it.

BB: Final question. The continuing shortage of condominiums in northern Door County, can this be remedied?

LL: The Luskuski Thinkers, as we speak, are attempting to secure nearly 2,000 acres within Peninsula State Park, mostly in the area of Nicolet Bay and the Park Tower. We’ll bring in a successful Miami developer and by 2012 this problem should be abated. As long as we can attract a Hummer dealership to fit with the high-rise scheme, the project is a go.

BB: Thank you Mr. Luskuski for this interview and thanks to the Luskuski Thinkers for their insights. We’ll have you over for the grand opening of the new Pulse offices in West Jacksonport, as soon as we can find them.