Mr. President, I tip my hat to you, Sir. You are the consummate showman and entertainer. Your White House is the most bizarre and compulsively watchable soap opera on TV. I wake each morning wondering what new plot twists are in store for the country now. More Russia investigations? New twists in the Comey firing? Giving classified info to your best buds in the Kremlin? Killer stuff, Mr. President. It’s even better than watching Fox News. And the way characters pop in and drop out, as if on cue, is really impressive!
I adore the Kellyanne subplot, especially after she disappeared for a while. My friends and I wondered if she was maybe locked away in a basement dungeon in the White House, working on direct sales shipments for Ivanka’s shoe and jewelry business as punishment for some indiscretion. We were so surprised (and relieved) when she popped up the other day on Anderson Cooper, flipping her hair and mouthing the same gobbledygook we have come to expect and cherish. She’s a keeper, Sir.
So too is Sean Spicer. I can’t go a day without a little Spicey in my life. He’s so cute! I know you are the marketing genius, Sir (or is that Ivanka and Jared?), but have you ever thought about manufacturing a collectible doll of Spicey, sort of like a modern day, DC-style Cabbage Patch Kid? I’m sure it would be a big seller. Who among your millions of supporters (even billions if we want to think globally) wouldn’t want to plunk down some hard earned minimum wage bucks to own their own little Spicey? Maybe the technicians could put something in the doll so when you squeeze him, Spicey could say something like “Fake News!” or “Nothing to see here!” People would love it, I assure you, Mr. President. It could become first in a series of collectibles of your entire cabinet: Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III in a little Confederate general’s uniform; Steve Mnuchin in a green banker’s visor and sleeve garter; Rex Tillerson in an oil company hard hat, etc. Each could say, when their strings are pulled, some of the slavishly worshipful things they said at your first full cabinet meeting, about how even knowing you is, like, the most transcendent experience they’ve ever had in this world and – hey, Mr. President, have you lost weight? You look so handsome and fit in that suit! And that tie really brings out your robust complexion, Sir! Stuff like that. The kind of stuff you’re so used to hearing from your minions.
Kudos, Mr. President, as well, for pointing out to the press that the health care overhaul Senate Republicans are cobbling together in the Senate catacombs will be “the greatest piece of legislation ever passed” or whatever it was you said. I’m sure Mitch McConnell appreciates it since you’ll likely hold him responsible for this monster once it is let loose to ravage and pillage the health care industry, to the detriment of millions of your own voters. But never mind. Just keep doing what you’re doing, Sir. The nation has never been in better, albeit tinier, hands.
Sturgeon Bay, Wis.