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Letter to the Editor: Just a Suggestion

Mr. President: As I have mentioned before, I am one of your biggest supporters and getting huger every day that you are in office making America great again. I know you are particularly busy these days after playing through your first 100 days in office. It must be exhausting, sir, deflecting mounting allegations that your campaign colluded with Russia while you work diligently on your short game and directing your crack staff in the White House to come up with plausible explanations for the things you do and say. It’s a hard trick, I know, but if anybody can do it, you can, sir.

Which is sort of why I am writing. I have an idea for an appointment that just might put you over the top, cementing your position as the Greatest President in the History of Presidents—which, as you are well aware, sir, is a pretty great thing! As you know, you recently asked the Surgeon General to resign. An appointment by a president who was definitely not great (if even American, am I right, sir?), Dr. Murthy was one of those foreign-looking types that your immigration ban was intended to prevent from taking good old American jobs from us poorly educated deplorables who adore you. Plus, he seems to think that gun violence in this country is a pressing health concern that should be addressed, which has to be one of the most un-American and treasonous things ever uttered by a surgeon, even if he is a general. This country was founded on rampant gun violence, am I right, sir? It’s what makes us uniquely American! Which is why, Mr. President, you should appoint Wayne LaPierre, CEO of the NRA, as our new Surgeon General. Think of the good press you will get from the gun lobby by making Wayne the “Howitzer of American Health”! He’ll blow those namby-pamby liberal doctors right out of the tepid water in which they scrub.

It’s such an obviously brilliant move, sir, that I know you have probably already thought of it because it does two things at once: Dr. Wayne LaPierre, Surgeon General, reaffirms your commitment to the Second Amendment (which every true, patriotic American knows is really first among amendments) and he underscores the importance of guns in making America truly great again. I can envision it now, Mr. President: PSAs on our favorite cable news network of Dr. Wayne informing American citizens of the health benefits of getting the lead out of our drinking water and into our guns where it belongs! Until next time, Mr. President, keep doing what you’re doing, and shorten up on that backswing.

 

Mike Orlock

Sturgeon Bay, Wis.

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