Mr. President, I want to congratulate you on making it through your first six months in office without accomplishing anything too awful. As one of your biggest supporters, Sir, it has been a trying time for me these first six months, having to deflect all the criticism I hear from those “Fake Americans” who obviously aren’t interested in making America great again.
They have assailed me at every turn, Sir, about your immigration bans; your messed-up health care replacement; your big switcheroo on using unilateral, unauthorized-by-Congress military force in Syria; your administration’s chummy ties with Russia; the exorbitant tab you are running up traveling to and from your resorts in Florida, New Jersey and Virginia; your golf games; your Twitter fixation; the lack of coherence in your White House press briefings; your tax reform plans; your tax returns; the swamp that you promised to drain but have so far only restocked; the excessive number of executive orders you have signed after criticizing your predecessor for writing too many; your lack of foreign policy knowledge; your obvious business conflicts of interest; the nepotism at work in your White House staffing appointments; your environmental policies, etc., etc., etc. I have to admit, Mr. President, it’s a tough job defending you, believe me! No wonder you have hired a small army of lawyers!
Now this latest kerfuffle involving the First Son and his meeting with Russian operatives. I am with you, Mr. President, in applauding Donald, Jr., for his outstanding judgment in taking this meeting with people from a foreign government who claimed to have the goods on “Crooked” Hillary. As you say, Sir, who wouldn’t take this meeting? It was a “no-brainer,” which might be why Donald, Jr., was the one involved.
As you have pointed out, Sir, this meeting took place well before any of those totally Fake allegations of your campaign colluding with Russia hit the lamestream media, which just proves your point that this scandal is really nothing more than a Democrat-inspired plot because if they didn’t even know about this secret meeting until last week, how could they have known to accuse you of having ties with Russian operatives a year ago? Ergo, a “totally fake” accusation, even if it is true, right, Mr. President? But when I try to point this out to people, they look at me the same way you look at Eric and Tiffany!
What’s worse, Sir, when I quote your White House web-report, which I receive regularly even if I don’t really read it, that you have “achieved and accomplished more than any president in history,” people just snicker and laugh! I ask them, Sir, “Who are you going to believe: the lying Fake Media that keeps pointing out everything you haven’t done since you became President, or you, the President, who obviously knows everything you haven’t done?” That just makes them laugh harder! I hate to say this, Mr. President, because I know how busy you are working on truly important things like your short game, but you need to help us loyal supporters out here in Real America defend your record by actually having one.
Who would have thought that making America great again would take this long because, you know, Sir, six months is a pretty long time.
Sturgeon Bay, Wis.