Letter to the Editor: Uniting States While on Vacation

Mr. President,

I want to thank you for interrupting your well-deserved, 17 day golf vacation to address some of the terrible things going on in the world. You’ve had a tough time, Sir, playing President and golf, all the while knowing that soon your vacation at your posh New Jersey golf resort will come to an end and you’ll have to return to that dump at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D. C. Who knew that being President would be this time-consuming?

Still, Sir, you have handled yourself with the level-headed professionalism and abiding compassion that are the trademarks of your administration, despite what the Fake News and Fake Americans might be saying otherwise. I’d like to see some of them come up with killer quips to that loudmouthed dictator with a bad haircut, threatening nuclear destruction “the likes of which the world has never seen,” all the while lining up a four-foot putt. Talk about presidential multi-tasking!

And your remarks Saturday, following the tragic events in Charlottesville, Virginia, when some local agitators looked to disrupt a “Unite the Right” gathering of neo-Nazis, KKK members, and white supremacists marching to promote your agenda, were as always “right” on the money, Sir. You said there are “many sides” to blame for the violence, in a philosophical epistle that has to rank up there with the most stirring addresses in history. No wonder you compare your presidency to Lincoln, to Washington, to even Putin!

Some critics say you could have called out the instigators by name, but I say it is next to impossible to identify hate groups when they are hiding under white hoods and wearing funny armbands and carrying Tiki torches, am I right, Sir? Besides, if there is one thing you are not, it is impulsive. You took your time, as you always do, to study the situation before coming out on Monday to bravely, boldly state that Nazis are very bad people and the KKK is not a good organization at all! Churchill couldn’t have said it better, Sir.

Anyway, Mr. President, I hope the rest of your vacation is nothing but seashells and balloons, birdies and pars. You relax while the rest of us, your bigliest and hugest supporters, get down to the dirty business of preparing for Armageddon.

Until then, respectfully yours,

Mike Orlock

Sturgeon Bay, Wis.