Mr. President: I want to thank you for giving us Christmas back again! As you so astutely pointed out in your weekly declaration from the real White House, Mar-a-Lago, the other day, you have won the War on Christmas – apparently, with a daring rescue that freed Santa Claus from Guantanamo Bay and his reindeer from captivity in the Kenyan prison camp where your predecessor has retired, somewhere in the foreign hinterlands of Hawaii.
It was so nice for Momma in her ‘kerchief and me in my cap to wake December 25 to see a decorated tree, garland, and presents stacked in gaily festive wrappings in the living room, a stark contrast to the bleak emptiness that has greeted the day the previous eight years. The forlorn faces of children have turned into smiles at the sound of carolers on the street corners in jubilant celebration of the gift that you, Sir, have bestowed upon us: Christmas is back! The shopping malls are packed again, and the silver bells of commerce and good cheer are ringing loud once more!
I’ve never seen anything like it, Sir! It’s like VE and VJ Days combined, as this grueling war has finally come to an end. Maybe Fox News, the official network of the Trump Administration, will promote a new celebratory day to mark the occasion? I propose “VD Day” (Victory by Donald) to commemorate your triumph over the forces of darkness and fake “Holiday Greetings,” to be observed each December 26. Imagine, Mr. President, the entire country spreading “VD cheer” in your honor! Why, it’s enough to make a person believe that a certain round-bellied, orange-faced old elf really does exist. Respectfully, your bigliest supporter,
Sturgeon Bay, Wis.