Mr. President: Might I offer a suggestion or two that might bring an end to the partial government shutdown that shows no sign of ending anytime soon?
As you know, Sir, I am one of your bigliest supporters here in Wisconsin. I have appointed myself Door County’s unofficial immigration Trumpster, ever vigilant and on the watch for those Central American caravans that you have warned us about. And it seems to be working, Mr. President! I haven’t seen a single caravan surge into southern Door, unless you count a few old Dodge Caravans that I’ve seen roll by on the highway. However, none of the drivers or passengers look like the terrorists and gangbangers that you have luridly described. It’s possible these MS-13 criminals could be in disguise, passing themselves off as farmers and factory workers and housewives (you know, the kinds of people that voted for you and chant your name at rallies), but I don’t think so.
Anyway, that brings me to my first good idea that Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats who control the Congress wouldn’t be able to turn down, because it’s not about the border, it’s about infrastructure: Instead of building an enormous wall between us and Mexico, lets build lots of little walls throughout the country. There could be one separating Wisconsin from Illinois, one between Iowa and Minnesota, so on and so forth. Let’s see some caravans of refugees get under or over all the beautiful walls you will build, Sir, at every state line!
You could encourage each state to design walls that reflect its unique character and heritage. Wisconsin, for example, could build a huge wall of brick cheese (which would also help solve the milk surplus that is plaguing the dairy industry); Nevada could build a giant wall of slot machines that would entice illegals to stop and play, virtually assuring that the wall would pay for itself. Do you see where I’m going with this, Sir? You would get credit for instigating the greatest public works program since FDR, and each of the walls we build between ourselves could bear your name, so that people in the future will remember who did this.
My other idea isn’t as good, I don’t think, but could be equally effective. It’s a variation of the invisible dog fences that are so popular these days. Because there would be no visible wall on the border, Ms. Pelosi and her liberal cohorts wouldn’t be able to complain.
Anyway, Mr. President, you’re the genius, as you know, so you might have thought of these kinds of solutions already. Until next time, your loyal supporters are out here 24/7, counting down the minutes until America is truly great again!
Sturgeon Bay, Wis.