Mr. President: I know you are busy (as we all are!) with spring cleaning. Out with the old cabinet, and in with the new, am I right, Sir? During the campaign, which seems so long ago, you reassured voters that you know the “best people,” so it seems only right that you would change advisers, deputies, Secretaries, and lawyers with the frequency some people change their underwear. Everybody should get a turn to serve you. You’re like the coach of a little league team making sure that every boy and girl gets a chance to participate, regardless of ability or the chaos that ensues. Besides, watching people scamper around without knowing what they’re doing is great fun, as you know from raising Don Jr., and Eric. It’s this generosity of spirit, Sir, that makes you the class act you are. (Did you really fire Rex Tillerson by Tweet while he was on the toilet? What a joker you are!)
Your sense of fair play and concern for the happiness of others no doubt explains your “friendships” with porn stars and Playboy bunnies, too. You selflessly sacrificed your time and money in the interests of these young women, foregoing the company of your beautiful wife and new baby boy, because they needed somebody like you to give their lives meaning and direction. Of course, the Fake News Media is focusing on the sleazy parts of these relationships, forgetting to see the purity of your intentions, in an attempt to make these affairs seem scandalous, but rest assured, Mr. President: they aren’t fooling us true supporters. We know you’re the real victim here. Those gold-diggers no doubt used their feminine wiles to lead you astray, preying upon your basic decency. I wouldn’t be surprised if Sainthood isn’t somewhere in your future, Sir, for only saints might be able to appreciate the abuse you have had to endure.
Speaking of endurance, Sir, I am concerned for yours. I know you get up early each morning to watch Fox & Friends and go to bed late at night after Hannity and some other “must see TV” on America’s greatest cable network. Is this really wise, Sir, having to work extra hard during the day watching television and performing the other taxing duties of your office, such as tweeting insults about critics, golfing, and tweeting insults about supporters? Since you are in the process of hiring a new cabinet, some of whom are members of the Fox News family, why not just bring the network to the White House? The morning briefing could be combined with Fox & Friends, broadcast right there from the Oval Office. I think sticking to the programming schedule at Fox News would bring much needed structure to daily business in the White House, something Gen. Kelly would surely appreciate, and make you look very “Presidential” in the bargain. Your tweets could even crawl across the bottom of the screen: “Breaking News from the brain of Donald Trump!”
Just think of it, Sir, the Greatest Show on television, “The Trump White House,” hosted by the Greatest President in history and Biggest Star in the galaxy, you, broadcast live on the Greatest Network known to man, Fox! Can you spell EMMY, Mr. President?
Sturgeon Bay, Wis.