Mr. President: I want to take this opportunity to apologize on behalf of an ungrateful nation for the horrible way that you have been treated following the Helsinki Summit, in which you and President Putin openly revealed the true nature of your affection for each other.
This is a cruel and judgmental world, Sir, as you well know. The Mainstream Media Machine, the real enemies of all poorly educated people everywhere, was only too quick to castigate and criticize you for what they perceived as weakness in the company of the Russian President (who, according to U.S. intelligence agencies, used the resources of the KGB and GRU to support your election as President in 2016 and undermine confidence in our democracy). Even that usually reliable bastion of fair and balanced “Fake News,” Fox News, threw you under the proverbial bus! But I ask you: What do reporters and pundits know about the mysteries of the human heart?
Seeing you standing next to the dashing former KGB officer on that dais, watching you blush a kind of rosy magenta under your typically orange complexion as you gazed adoringly into his steely Cossack eyes – well, it doesn’t take an unapologetic Reality TV romantic to recognize the obvious: You two are meant for each other! All you needed to do was hand him a red rose to make it official!
Your brief but perplexing Singapore dalliance with Kim Jong Un, that saucy little dumpling from North Korea, suddenly makes sense. There’s no better way to get your guy to finally commit than sparking a little jealousy, letting him know in no uncertain terms that he’s not the only eligible dictator on the international scene!
Well done, Mr. President – and to think people are questioning your ability to close a deal! You’ve landed the bigliest, most beautiful shark in the Black sea, and now all of Mother Russia is yours for the taking.
I can only imagine that the ceremony joining you two will easily surpass the nuptials of Meghan and Harry a few weeks ago for sheer size and spectacle. After all, that was just the wedding between a young multiracial American actress and an English prince. Yawn…Yours will be the union of two heads of state, something that hasn’t been seen since the great old days of medieval feudalism!
Just think, Mr. President, you’ll be able to winter with Vlad in Mar-a-lago and summer at his dacha in Sochi. As First Husband of the United States, Putin will no longer be a sinister adversary; he will be architect and ambassador for a new post-NATO world order. And as Premier Hubby of the Russian state, you will have unfettered access to the secrets of the old Soviet intelligence apparatus – and might finally find Hillary’s missing emails, solving once and for all the most pressing problem facing our country.
Sturgeon Bay, Wis.