Letter to the Editor: “Reinstatement Day” Is Coming!

Mr. President! (And I don’t mean the current “Mr. President,” but the only Mr. President worthy of the title, one DJT-rump, the sun god of Mar-a-Lago!)

After that mugging last November orchestrated by You-Know-Who (who would have predicted such a feeble old man could double-deal Mr. Art of the Deal?) and the debacle of Jan. 6, when an antifa zombie army cleverly disguised with MAGA hats laid siege to the Capitol in order to “Sanction the Steal,” I wandered off in a funk and found myself in MyPillow, Lindellandia, an enchanted mountain kingdom somewhere in the farm fields of Arizona. 

There I stumbled into the ashram of the Q-Anon shaman. We have been studying sacred texts of constitutional conspiracy theory ever since, looking for a way to return you to the office that is rightfully yours, election results notwithstanding. And we’ve found it, Sir!

There, in a little-known codicil between the 8th and 9th Amendments, are protocols for the “Reinstatement of One-Term Presidents” who really, really want to have another term, if for no other reason than to avoid criminal prosecution. It’s called the Lerner & Loewe Brigadoon Provision because its origin traces to ancient Scottish folklore. It allows someone who owns property in Scotland to enter the White House again just by wishing really hard, clicking his golf shoes together three times and repeating, “There’s no one like me” until he’s magically transported through the portal to the Oval Office of his choice.

What’s more, Sir, the shaman and I have determined through careful scrutiny of the stars that the portal you will need to pass through is located on the eighth-and-a-half hole of your very own Mar-a-Lago golf course! What are the odds? You will need to be there, Mr. President, on the eighth-and-a-half day of the eighth month (August, in case you’re wondering) at the eighth-and-a-half minute after noon, and then all of us true believers will be rapturously returned to the glorious days of 2020, when you were president and peace, prosperity and good health were just a tweet away.

Mike Orlock

Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin