Mr. President, I am impressed! Thirty rallies in little more than a month leading up to the mid-terms! You, Sir, are the Energizer bunny of white nationalism! You keep going and going and going, giving us “adorable deplorables” all your greatest hits: “Lock Her Up!” “Evil Democrats!” “Build the Wall!” “The Witch Hunt Hop!” “CNN Sucks!” “The Fake News Blues!” You’re setting a standard of speechifying that der Fuhrer and il Duce never dreamed of in their wildest fascist fantasies.
And the new stuff, Mr. President, is absolutely killer: the national “emergy” posed by the caravan of walking dead people fleeing the wastelands of Central America is perfect fodder for us true patriots who have long suspected that the zombie apocalypse is real, a Democratic conspiracy cooked up by that trio of wicked witches Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, and Elizabeth Warren and funded by George Soros. I wouldn’t be surprised, Sir, if they weren’t also behind the attempted political assassination of our altar boy Brett Kavanaugh, a man as beloved in the heartland of America as free beer at a tractor pull. As you have rightly pointed out, Sir, if allegations of sexual assault, however plausible, can keep a wealthy white man from the leadership position he’s entitled to, what does that portend for the future of elite prep schools, exclusive fraternities, and the Bro Code? By the ridiculous standards of “appropriate behavior” espoused by these harpies of the Left, somebody like you, Mr. President, might be deemed unfit for office simply because there are a dozen or so credible accusations of sexual assault currently lodged against you! It’s outrageous! Have they no shame?
Some of your critics claim you go too far. They say that your Montana bit, in which you riff on the Republican Congressman who plead guilty to battery for body slamming a reporter, coming in the wake of the grisly murder of a Washington Post journalist by the Saudis, lacked class and sensitivity. As if “class” and “sensitivity” were important qualities for the President of the United States! Show me where it says in the Constitution that the president should have “class” and “sensitivity!” It does say that the president must protect the “freedom” of the press, but it doesn’t say anywhere that you can’t body slam reporters or even kill them if you can get away with it, right, Sir?
Others have blasted you for inciting some of your most passionate supporters, through your inflammatory rhetoric and outlandish lies, to acts of terrorism – mailing pipe bombs to your critics, for example – but everyone knows terrorists come from the Middle East! Besides, the lawless and evil mob of women and Democrats who oppose you and your policies are the ones who are criminals and terrorists. I heard that straight from the horse’s mouth (you, Mr. President) when you were on Fox News, so I know it must be true because, as you have assured us over and over, nobody tells it like it is better than you, even if you’re making it up.
Sturgeon Bay, Wis.