Mr. President, events in your White House are happening so fast, it is hard for your most loyal and worshipful supporters to keep up!
Just when I thought the country couldn’t get any “greater,” what with the Kumbaya Deal you brokered with our newest BFF Kim Jong Un in “The Singapore Showdown,” and the trade war you launched against those backstabbing Canadians in the aftermath of the G-7 Summit, and the flurry of Executive Orders rolling back environmental and financial protections that were put in place to prevent another Deepwater Horizon disaster and Wall Street meltdown, all while you are touring the country bestowing upon the thousands lucky enough to bask in your orange brilliance the wisdom and wit of your genius (“Now we’re going to have the Space Force because it’s a whole – we need it. We need it. Space Force! Space Force! Space Force!”), I find that you are making America Whiter, too, by going “Zero Tolerance” on those Central American refugee kids trying to sneak across the southern border.
Bravo, Mr. President! You’re like America’s strictest Dean: Send those pint-sized thugs straight to detention where they belong!
Of course, the Fake Media and their minions are expressing outrage about crying kids, some just learning to walk and talk, forcibly separated from their mommies and daddies and shipped off to “Tender Age” internment camps, but we Real Americans know that they’ve never had it so good. As that pillar of human compassion Laura Ingraham observed from her New York studio set, these aren’t kiddie prisons at all but “summer camps,” where counselors will get the kids participating in all sorts of crafts and games. Maybe Ivanka could get involved and teach the girls how to sew a cross stitch, get their little hands working on her new fall line? Or Donald, Jr., and Eric could pop in for a visit and take some of the boys golfing: train a caddie young enough, as you well know, Sir, and you’ve got a good caddie for life.
Some Democrats in Congress are accusing you, Mr. President, of using these kids as political leverage to get billions of dollars to build your wall. We loyal “Deplorables” know that this is bunk. Mexico, as you repeatedly promised on the campaign trail, will pay for the wall. That’s already a DONE DEAL, as you might tweet. But I have an idea for you, Sir. If you are able to squeeze any money out of Congress, I think it should go towards constructing a giant statue – a companion piece to the Statue of Liberty – standing tall, looming over the Rio Grande.
In all fairness, I think it should be a statue of you, Mr. President, since you deserve the credit for making us the country we are today. However, I understand your legendary humility wouldn’t allow you to accept such a lasting tribute. But what about Melania? It might be just the gesture to make her forget about Stormy, Sir. In a nice bit of symbolism and symmetry, the statue could be standing with its back to the border; and instead of some artsy poem welcoming immigrants to their new home, we could have a replica of the coat the First Lady wore, reading “I really don’t care. Do U?” Nothing says TrumpAmerica better than that!
Sturgeon Bay, Wis.